Now I am not really sure what or who God is? An entity of matter ? or a person. Some say He is everywhere in everything. For now I will go with the person. The man with a son and angels and saints, the whole thing, because this is who I am stomping My foot at.
I want to know about this "pick and choose"
I want "him", God to answer me why some he listens to some and others he doesn't. All the men and women who prey for the bothers, sisters, wife's, husbands and children who fight over seas to come home safely, and only a 1/2 of them will.
It seems to begin as early grade school with the proverbial gum teacher and a dodge ball game, a person of power to point the finger of his "two best" to head up the teams and then throw down his power to them to "pick and choose" from best to worst to be on each team to dodge it out. I was always the one standing there with arms folded, praying in my mind I would be next as I looked around like it didn't bother me in the least that I was always last picked.
As we grow and mature, we pray for things like Prom, Homecoming, or that certain phone call on a Friday night. We watched how some got those things and others were passed by. If by chance you got one of those and luck as it were stuck you, was there ever a greater feeling?
You looked up at the sky and said "thanks!"
Its everywhere, award shows, professional games, and in hospitals. "Please choose Me" or "please don't choose Me". As we move on through life, the prayer and the pleads to "God" become more intense. You look for a "sign" anything, that you have been heard in some small way. Some call these "miracles" and having them around would keep one's faith in prayer.
But I am angry, because I prey for things. a huge believer in "karma" and yet, my direct line to God seems to be cut. How long am I supposed to keep going with this so called "God given talent" to draw and not draw? It's miles away from the "god given talent of someone like Marah Carey and her voice seemly "picked and chosen , awarded with accolades, and clearly a gift.
We pick and choose our gifts. Who gets what and when. Some get better ones on Christmas or Birthdays than others, So is pick and choose really in our own hands? Maybe it is in some small way.
Some people have the power to gift themselves whatever they want. Do they bi-pass God in this ? Do they send up a simple thanks?
I try and Thank God , [however He is seen] everyday for something, in hopes that I can get on his good side. That's not to say I am making any deals with Him, I am just trying to do what I was raised to be right.
Dumbfounded I sit here and watch the most horrific event of nature out in California. Acres of god's land being burned to ashes. Some have even referred to it as "hell" . I watch once again how the "pick and choose" affects those out there. The talk of some homes completely lost and the one right next to it, spared. I actually witnessed that phenomena years ago in the Nothridge earthquake, seeing a row of homes crushed into a pile a rubble, and there was that one right next store that didn't loose as much as a plate. This always gets me wondering, why some have to endure so much grief and others just escape it. Is there something they do or know that the rest of us don't?
And as I sit here and write this, I can over-hear on the T.V. a story about Women having it "all" and how she is going to give advice on having it. Her strategy a 360 degree life. Give me a break. She is an editor of a magazine with a good job and income. Telling Women "you can't reach for perfection" I am not asking for "perfection, I am smart enough to know it doesn't exist, but I still have not figured out this "pick and choose". And I want to know.
"Life is just not fair" , that should really read. well its fair for some and not for others. And that part really pisses Me off. I am not asking "God" for a mansion and a yacht to sail around the world with loads of money, I am simply asking to "live" I have the life but want to know how to live it. I'm tired of spending each day "waiting " for an answer as to what I am supposed to do. If I didn't have the desire to draw and get My art out there, this wouldn't be such an issue. I would find some job and do it and say My thanks. I feel like I was in that "talent section" in the womb and god said that one will "draw". but somewhere along the way from there to entry into the world I didn't get that last bit of whatever God gives to "make it". Again back to pick and choose.
As the years go on, I see myself now in the section of those that were given talents and never recognized for them. Just watch a reality show and see what I mean.
In the last few months I have given up on things, material things, clothes, shoes, old papers that I thought had meaning at one time.
I did a lot of this in the hopes that it would push away all that was blocking my ability to draw. Open the values so to speak. But is hasn't happened yet. I'm just a lot lighter in my load of "material things".
I have tried everything too. Explored every facet of art. I even sit with a little table and vendor silly items , the kind of things no one really wants but buys anyway. It makes me feel degraded in some way. I tell people I am an artist and it feels like I am lying right to them.
I even went as far to try to learn to be a tattoo artist, that was the light in my head that went off and said , "yes this is it" I have finally found what I am supposed to do.
Unfortunately I couldn't. and 5,000 dollars later it still angers me that I failed so miserably at it. I am not sure I have completely recovered form it yet.
Again, I ask why? If it was about that time needed to put into it, why didn't God give Me that strength to do it? He sure gave me enough excuses why I shouldn't be there, He's good at that.
They say You learn from every hardship or experience and move on from it, but how long? how many times ? Just once I want to be picked first on the team. I want to go out there with what I say I do and actually have something to show to back my words.
