The Phoenix & The Harley

Friday, April 11, 2008

Happy Birthday, My dear Father, May You finally have the peace you so deserve now. You helped so many and You were such a contributor to this world, a brilliant mind.
I love You more than anything, You always were there, and I know You are still watching Me. I promise that soon, all the Art that You were so proud of will be seen, and it is My hope that it touches all those, in the same way that You have touched and helped so many. I am lost without You, but I will find My way from all the ways I watched You and how You made sure that You did too. You were proud and honorable, and a wonderful Man and Father, You will be so missed, but loved just as much.
I know now You are flirting with the Angels and taking care of them too, Forever in My heart, Daddy, I love You, rest in Peace.

Friday, April 04, 2008

I should have been following up each day, and haven't for various reasons.
One of the things that I found to be VERY true in this process is that no matter what it is you are trying to change, whether it be thoughts or habits, anything, there are things that are going to come and try to trip your ass up, in ways that even surprise me.

One of the very important things that Marianne Williamson refers to is that once you begin this process, of refocusing, that there is "stuff" that has been inside you for so long, and eventually it has to "purge itself". A kind of "mental cleaning". I suppose like everything else, you have to remove the "clutter" to get to where you need to be.

I cannot stress enough, that this is probably one of the hardest parts of this, and something, that I don't think is mentioned enough in all these "make it happen books".
There is no way to make anything happen, unless this so called purging takes place. And it seems that though the years, the more it has been swept under the rug, the harder it is to do. For lack of any better analogy here, it is like climbing a mountain, its an easy start (once you decide to do it), and once in the middle of it, you are then getting more tired. Then looking up to see how much farther you have to go to get to the top. This is the point where you feel like you are barely hanging on, and you can either let go and fall and be right back where you began, or take a breath and keep climbing, knowing, full well there will be more rocks, boulders and landside's coming to keep from getting to the top.

One of the passages in the book, is to keep "focus" on the good and not the "bad".
But this is a double edged sword in a way, because right now, its very hard not to focus on the bad that has occurred in the last 24 hours.
I had learned that my father just had a stroke, which is tearing me apart.
I am trying very hard to adjust to the work thing. And not that well.
Oddly enough, I happened to run into the very same person that I spoke about when I stopped writing. She showed up to deliver magazines to the place where I was working.
Now, this book and countless others on this subject talk about "coincidence".
"Sometimes it will be easy. Most of the time early on it wont be, which is why watching for those so-called coincidences is so important. They are a validation that something's actually happening; they keep you going".
-page176

Needless to say, it was not a pleasant meeting. And after she said a few things and tried to get me to do some -pass a good word- for her, and I refused, she went on again, to dig into me a little more. Now, before, I am perceived as crying the "poor me", I will continue with this.....
I was seething mad, and wished that I had said something to her before she left, and thought about calling her editor, and then finally decided that I was just going to let it go. But as luck would have it, she comes back. And I wasted no time in laying into her.
In fact I wanted to punch her. I didn't of course. But had my say and I didn't feel any better for it really. It was just something else to add and another obstacle to be try and get over, which incidentally, I would have been doing OK, had she not showed back up. Again, the belief that we are always being tested. One day, I hope to pass.

By the end of the day [yesterday] I was just about done, and tired beyond belief.
I find the need to sleep a lot a big factor, and no, its not depression, it complete boredom and escape right now.
My significant other, for lack of a better term, didn't seem to pleased when he came home, though asked if I would take a ride with him and I agreed . We were not even half way down the street before I had seen a dog that was tangled in a noose leash and almost got hit by us from darting out into the street.
I saw the women in the yard at the house soon after and called out to her
"better go see about your dog!". It was no sooner than that, that I was stuck in the arm by my other half, and sneered at with "what the @$#% are you doing!, that's -MY- neighbor."
In shock I got out from the car and walked back home, I had hoped that some kind of humanity would present itself to him, but he just kept on going. I expected that anyway.
He did manage to stop on his way home and "apologize" to the neighbors on my behalf. Not knowing in the least, that I had already spoken with the women about what I saw with the dog and was only letting her know, the conversation was "civil" and she thanked me.
He managed to get out a less than heartfelt apology to me, not even taking to account my currant situation about my father or the fact that even hitting a women in the slightest way is OFF LIMITS! Period.
My mind reeled and reeled in this, I couldn't understand how I even stayed another night here. And though I am making NO excuse for his actions, It seems something must of happened during the day to set him off, he is generally not like that and one thing I did learn for sure, that he is the kind of man, that needs food, ALWAYS, I suppose most men do and perhaps this is key to keep things on a generally even flow,
Always have food, when they come home, as I didn't yesterday, and for some reason that seems to "trigger" some reflex bad memory. I suppose had I had a meal ready, these events may not have taken place, at least not then.
I had hoped that maybe my tiredness and emotional distress would be understood, but here's another fun fact, Men DON'T get that either.

So, I have been teetering on the edge of this mountain with the thoughts of moving on with my life and trying to get it back in some way. How can you not "focus" on that?
Is that the part where you just throw up your hands and do the ole' "let it fall where it may?". or do you try and make a decision?

There is a part of me now, that I don't think I can ever forgive him, maybe in time, I will forgive, but I won't forget. Although he seems to be sweeping it under the rug himself, and that is not my concern.

I am just going along with my own "focus" for now, keep climbing and keeping a sharper eye out for the boulders.
There is a lot I should be doing now, as far as my art, but I am not, and decided I am not going to be hard on myself about it, I admit I have used that "excuse" before, as a deterrent from just being "lazy" about things, but this time , I really mean it, because purging yourself of unwanted things is exhausting.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

So far, the hardest part of this, despite being the 1st day, is the changing of thoughts.

I began the day by trying to take a step in helping my back problems and not relying on anyone else to do so, which I had been doing in the past few days.
So I took it upon Myself and went to the emergency room to get some advice and some relief. I went with a "positive" outlook that this would be a step in the right direction and even visualized and tried to "feel" myself getting the outcome I wanted.
Sad to say that none of this happened and I was more or less "dismissed" and felt it.

I couldn't figure out what I did wrong, maybe I did nothing wrong. Maybe this is just a long process and there is so much "negative junk" in there, like anything else its going to take a while to clean out. Maybe, there is still some "testing", I think we do get "tested" all time.

One few things I did notice is:
I wasn't as angry as I may have been in the past had this happened , say a week ago, I just sort of accepted it.
I was rude to a man that snuck up on me in the parking lot of the market and asked for money. I usually give it. Yet, that was an improvement, I am usually rude to a lot of people in a day, today it was just one person.
I did have a talk with someone who seemed willing to give me some guidance on a career path. [ That is the gratitude part of this project ]

Unfortunitly, I do believe that there is a truth to a "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy" and I feel as if I am in the midst of one right now. For the last few weeks I have been thinking constantly about leaving where I am, but there is a part of me that doesn't really want to, and yet I find that I am coming closer to that happening. I am not really understanding the whole process of "thought changing" and than I came across this part of the book:

"Because of our upbringing, and because of attitudes passed down over countless generations, we believe that what we see in the moment and what we are experiencing in the moment is the way it has to be until we either find a way to eradicate or accept it. We can see it, we're surely experiencing it, so in our own book that makes it reality.
And yet, reality- real reality -is nothing more than the result of how we've been flowing our energy." -page 116

I am more or less just reading random pages of the book, I don't know why I am not reading it from the beginning, and yet, found it odd, that after reading this and understanding it, I am now facing this problem. Something I am not sure that I can "change" alone. And being that it's 3 a.m. , its clearly bothering me enough that I cannot sleep.

I don't like when things are in "limbo", maybe that is the essence of this whole "thoughts" idea.
Until the thought is completely transformed, it is in "limbo". I know the mind will not give up that easy on something it is so used to and comfortable with.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Can it Work.....????

This is a great time of year, with Easter and "lent". I think "lent" is such a great concept, while many focus a lot on "New Years" and "resolutions", to me, "lent" is really the time for change, so this year, after skipping many other "lents" I decided to do something and this is what I am going to do.

I have been seeing a lot of these books lately with the lines about changing "your thoughts" and it will change things in you and your life, most notably. "The Secret" and the one Oprah is pushing big time "The Key".

I didn't really much buy into this. I could go on and visualize for hours and days about having an new Escalade in my driveway and have yet to actually see it showing up.
It seems to way out there, and these books say it can and will happen, if you just "FEEL it". So, with that, I decided that I would try this as sort of an expirement/investigative type thing to see if it really works, because where I am and where I want to be are so far apart. It's almost to the point of why even bother with things anymore. And I have things I want to bother with. I don't want to give up, but I feel a bit trapped and don't see much, if any light at the end of this long tunnel that has been going on for years.

Now, I have FOUR things here that I am using as guide.
After much perusing of a few of "those" books, all different but with basically the same theme of "changing your thoughts". The one I choose, and will be using is "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting. "the astonishing power of feelings" , by Lynn Grabhorn, Tapes by Marianne Willison, a "gratitude journal", ( if all else fails, at least many people have said that works ) and St Rita, the saint of the Impossible.

I figure I will begin with what is happening or not happening. I grew up fairly well and now I pretty much live in a Trailer, with a guy who doesn't give much in the way of relationships. He much rather find a way to make a buck than to enjoy a minute with me, and I guess the way I feel, it doesn't much matter to me at this point, though I do love him in some strange way.
I have completely lost all sight of myself as a person, especially when I moved in here. The great clothes, shoes and various other items of my life are packed away in storage, there isn't much of who I am in this place. I miss being able to draw every night, and a day doesn't go by when I don't think about it. I seemed to have dropped the ball on anything that concerns my own work and spend most days cleaning and making dinner, I have become a maid. I miss getting out there and selling things like I had, and sorry that I let the ball drop when I got a chance to write for a small local magazine, I have a very bad back, that limits my mobility and makes me tired to go out and do things, but honestly, I am happy to try and find time to work on web sites and design.

I miss a lot of the events I used to attend, but again I get tired easy and its hot here most of the time, which I also cannot stand. I thought sharing this space would cut down on bills., but for some reason it seems more money is going out than being saved. Due to the smallness of the home, I am back to living in a mass of clutter, some mine, some his, despite the stuff in storage that costs me a ton each month. There are no friends, except for a few acquaintances that are seen every now and then and some event we attend on a very rare occasion,
I got myself a very small job a few hours a week, and although its a very limited time there, I can't stand just sitting in one place for hours doing nothing except to pick up the phone when it rings. I hate that every morning , I dread the day, because its just the same thing over and over. I swear, if there is such a thing as "psychic attacks" I am surely a target of someone's.
So, this is why I decided I would give this a try and see if there is any truth to this "thoughts are real" thing, after all, what is there to loose?

This is where I thought I would begin.
The easy things, like on the T.V....the news and bad shows that bring in negitive energy, forget all that, I don't want to listen to anymore.
Keep it neutral.

The next thing is food. I have never ate this badly ever, and I know a lot of it comes from having to cook for someone else now. One year for "Lent" I gave up every food that was "white" and felt great, now I eat horribly and also have to cut down on the red bull, I feel like I cant get any energy unless I drink it.
Exercise, that will come soon I hope.
Cleaning, not just this house, but one task to somehow get this mess in order so there may be a chance that I can work on my drawings.

So..I have been reading the book , flipping through pages and underlining some things that stood out.
I am randomly going to open up to one page and type out the first thing I see:
"Someone or something need only match you in frequency, and the attraction begins. Which event (event, person or circumstance) will get to you first? The one with the strongest intensity. And you will keep on attracting and merging, attracting and merging, attracting and merging, until you get so tired of the gloomy game, you eventually check out as Mrs T.did, Or you change your frequency. " -page 245

I listen to Marianne Williamson, because she just make so much sense, and it's just a great motivator.
As for St Rita, they say she is the Saint of the "impossible" so I keep her in my thoughts.

With this I am in hopes of having or getting to some kind of "plan" or at least some organization and hopefully myself back. I am not looking for complete happiness all the time, but I don't think anyone deserve to be this miserable.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Congratulations, Mr. Mayer

Congratulations, Mr. Mayer,
You have now placed yourself within the ranks of the currant media "train wreaks". What album sales are not so good anymore so you have to resort to this type of public crap?
[as posted on his public blog from a news link ]
http://blog.honeyee.com/john/archives/2008/03/love_by_john_ma.html

"Love, By John Mayer"
March 02, 2008
[[quote ]] "I was sitting in the airport lounge this morning when I started scribbling out lyrics and such...Don't read too far into this on a personal level. (There are no hidden messages)... I just thought it sums up how crazy love can be."[[end quote ]]

lyrics??, um no, that doesn't look like any lyrics, it looks like a letter to someone on your blog. "no hidden message"? , yes that is pretty clear, maybe you are the only hidden message... a freak.

[[quote ]]"Dear Ex Lover, Perhaps you didn't understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I'll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore. I don't know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I'm done trying. I hope this is enough closure for you. Goodbye.
P.S. If you need me, you know how to find me." [[end quote]]

So, since there are no comments allowed on your blog, here let me "spell it out" for you.

Your a complete self centered JERK, never much liked your music anyway, though it seems that had taken a back seat to your new way of seeking media attention.

And honestly, where is compassion to the person you wrote this too? Since the media that originally posed it made a list of whom it could be about.

AND...after you so simplistically state you wish nothing to do with the person, you give a P.S. on where to find you if they "need" you? Surely contradicting yourself. Go get a grip on something, besides yourself and bashing your ex-girlfriends openly.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Women & the relationships that we have or better yet, the lack thereof....

I got to thinking about Women and the relationships that we have or better yet, the lack thereof. I am one of those women that don't particularly like other women that I don't know and are extremely cautious of the ones I do know. There seems to be a striking difference between the relationships that men have with other men and the ones that women have with women. Men seem to hold their friendships with other men much longer than women do. I have never seen a man get "jealous" of another man.
The movie "mean girls" really sums up in the most honest way about the female to female relationships. In all honestly, I don't for a minute believe that even the best of friends do not have a tendency to want to, or will screw another women over had they the chance.
It just seems to be in their make-up and hormones. Sexist? maybe, but true.

Look at Young Hollywood, girls that pretty much all have the same things, and yet they can't seem to play nice with each other, usually like the rest of us , the feuds happen over some guy, or something they "think" was said. That's the thing with women and the other big difference over men, Women run their mouths, about everything. They never shut the hell up. And a lesson I learned a long time ago is if someone is talking crap to you about someone else, they are doing the same thing to you.
I try not to get involved in other women's "stuff", it bores me and I try and stay above it. yet, I do find myself , surprisingly just as bitchy as the rest.

Perhaps it comes from years of being screwed over by many women I thought were friends when I believed I was loyal to them . I quickly found out all the things they really thought about me, despite being in the most popular cliques in high school and collage. Isn;t it funny that you always seem to find out at some point what was said? It may take months, weeks , even a year, but it can still manage to run your whole day.
Now, I know this all sounds like I am bitter and writing out about bad experiences that happened to me that made me feel this way, and maybe some of it is, but essentially its really about "mean girls". Even women I don't know, whom I randomly bump into at the supermarket with a cart and turn around in a snit mumbling "bitch" under their breath, even before I could get out an "excuse me".
I had an experience with a women who is married to a friend of my boyfriend, whom wasted no time in telling me of "his" past. I could see the sadistic pleasure she was getting in telling me these things, and of course gave me the classic "please don't say I said anything". And I never did. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of running back to my boyfriend and "confronting" him with what she said. It was more worth it to let her stew on it and wonder than me taking her anticipated action.

What really came of this is a dislike of a women that at first I thought was alright. I vowed I would forgive her but I would not forget her, and I did, until last weekend when I had to see her again at a party. She approached me with the same ole "fake" act , which gave me the moment I wanted . To completely blow her off, and when I did, she immediately switched to this narrowed eyed bitch, her true self. Its amazing that women can do that so easily, myself included. I don't like it, but it happens.

Maybe bitchiness is the "in" thing now among women. There is a constant battle within out own self's to look better, feel better, act better, thinner, and smarter than the other. There is even a running commercial of a girl on her cell to another girl, and saying "did you see what she was wearing"? Only fueling the fires of constant bitchiness to each other...to be contunued..

Sunday, February 24, 2008

"These are pants right out of my closet...I don't partake into that who are you wearing crap... for the red carpet" -Julie Christie

When asked what she was wearing by a reporter.
She already won the award for that Comment.

MY PREDICTIONS: