Because Otherwise It'll Be Like Everything else I Do. (Part 2)

I am so utterly frustrated right now with the way things in my life are happening or lack there of happening. I absolutely cannot stand the fact that I have no motivation or drive to get myself to do anything that requires some sense of real work or find something that has any meaningful passion for me.

I think I am tired of trying.

No, I am tired of thinking of things that will WORK!

Tired of believing that the biggest success in my life is that I am not a success.

 

Maybe I should be a writer, because I am so fed up with this art thing, I really have come to believe that it is just not in the cards for me.

Blogging hasn't produced much either. I more or less write to the air, and that's okay. I rather put it there and spill it all over people who really don't want to hear how things are not where I had hoped they would be, and I probably will most likely edited this before I even post it, because it sounds so "poor me" and that's not really what I am going for, not to mention the complete run-on sentences.

 

So, if I were to write, what exactly would I write about?

Would I write a book?

Would I write a column on how crappy I think some people dress? or just keep on tossing my thoughts into the air right here. Where according to "Google" I have had 1 person look at this Blog in the past month, so if that is indeed true, then I would like to know who you are, just so I can not add Google to my list of cynicism and doubt concerning their counting abilities.

Don't really know WHY I would even consider writing. I was the quintessential kid in high school, that every paper that I got back in any type of writing class was so full of the teachers "evil red pen" that it was a wonder I was even able to see what was being corrected. I failed every attempt at writing anything. Especially in collage. Oh, they hated my work as much as they hated my art. I can still hear that ripping of my work from the boards after hours and hours of creative thoughtfulness went into the project. I wonder if I still am harboring some kind of bad vibes from that, like the angry children in Pink Floyd's "Another Brick In The Wall" ..."Hey Teacher, Leave Us Kids Alone!". Yea, that was me alright. I was such a rebellious brat, and thing was, I had no idea that I was. Wish I did, Then maybe I could of been one of those real angry arty types.

But I am not.

 

I did have this epiphany. Came in dream. Yes, for real. (to you that one person that reads this) And it went something like this.

I had mentioned in a previous post about the "mural from hell" that I did for this couple, and when something like that occurs and becomes that of an disastrous event in ones quest for "Art Greatness"  it will hang on for a while. Thus, the dream epiphany. And it said

"Do not do any more art for people to buy, let people buy your art".

This was like gates opening and the angels singing, "that's it" I thought.

I have been so consumed with "CUSTOM" Design, that I didn't see anything else. "If a person can see  it, then I will draw it". But wait, what then happens to my own vision of Art? It's non existent.

Not saying that "designers" are un cool, or they are not artists at all.

Designers are great, I just happen not to be as good of one as I thought.

 

This is the problem with designing. First you have to without a doubt do what "the client wants". I don't care how much they go on and on about "You have full reign on whatever it is -YOU- (the artist) want to do".

No, it doesn't even work that way.

Then, there is the gosh awful thing that I am sure every artist without a manager dislikes more than anything and that is "pricing your own work".

Lord, I may as well give my work away for free. I can in no way get a simple electric bill figured out much less price out my time. (speaking of which my eclectic bill just happened to get shut off completely as I was writing this). 

We also, always try and pull the "what materials will be needed" thing to cushion the blow. And, it's always the same look on the clients face. They do not want to pay that amount and look at you like you are crazy for even throwing that number out there. It feels a bit degrading, and you haven't even started the actual work.

 

Look, I am just speaking for myself, and maybe there is my one friend that reads this who can relate. I don't know.

So then you start the process of doing what you hope is this fabulous design, and it literally takes me weeks to put the paint to it.

 

Color scares the crap out of me.

Don't know why.

Don't have any problems with color. 

Yellow and I have never had a serious altercations.

My box of Crayolas and I are in perfect harmony.

Except when I reach for them and they turn into PMS (Prismacolor Mental Syndrome). Not even going near them. Even the angry artsy type person uses a color block pillow in his all Black and White dwelling.

I truly prefer to be in my Black and Gray shading of a world when it comes to my art.

 

But now I have a dilemma. The wonderful world of "Pintrest" which I consider to be the best of social media and my escape has gotten into my world of

"Post Design".

For some odd reason pictures that I have posted of "designs" that I have done are being re-pinned all over the place.

I am thrilled, because it falls under the epipthany concept of "People choosing what they like". I didn't have to sell these designs to anyone, they spoke for themselves.

So I wonder do I take this as some kind of "clue" to an answer I have been looking for?. The set back is that all these "designs" in question are all in color. (GASP!)

Do I really want to start all over again with this kind of project?

What is it about them now that makes them invoke some interest?.

Do I want to get back in there and try the same thing again? only to find it just may be the same mountain, that I have been around and around.

Honestly, I have been quite comfortable with coming to terms with myself that I don't want to draw anymore. But at the same time, I am very uncomfortable with the thought of "What do I do now?".

 

Even My Blog got off track with posting from other blogs (which I have taken down, the ONLY thing I have taken down).

Since Collage, have all those years up to now been wasted?

Is there really anything to show from them?

I think it is more that I have done it because it is something that everyone expected me to do, and like I had said in "Because Otherwise It'll Be Like Everything else I Do. (Part 1)" of the piece before this one, I am not sure that is what I truly wanted for myself.

Now comes the part where I have to look around, climb out of this rabbit hole, and see what's out there and what ignites a passion? (Still A question)

 

EGO=LOVE=FEAR

Motivational speaker Marianne Williamson once said "The Ego is suspicious at best, Vicious at worst" In the movie "Under The Tuscan Sun, Diane Lane's character, Frances says "What is it about Love that makes us so stupid?"
I put these two quotes together because I think that you cannot have one without the other. I also like that it is extremely deep. EGO=LOVE=FEAR. Essentiality isn't it the need to fill our own ego that we seek love?

And then when we do finally find "love", we become incredibly stupid.
We do stupid things, we think stupid things, and we definitely say stupid things. Then after all that, we become fearful, of all the stupid things that we have done, thought about and said.
I look at the word "Ego" and don't see a word, I see a Thing, the "ego" as this horrible little monster that is out to drive the self crazy. It is this bouncy monster that has tremendous power in getting into the very core of all the things that as any rational person would know better not to do.
Yet, the ego can somehow make all your best intentions turn into a big pile of dusty swirling gray air.
I am amazed at the power of the ego. It shows up in so many forms too. It can be the mere presence of a person that exudes it, or it can be in a bad speech, a broadcasters words, or it can just be it annoying a good thought which is the biggest weapon in the ego's artillery.
"Suspicious at best".
The ego is always suspicious, that is the first big clue that it's lurking to screw things up. It will make you begin to wonder, and use all it's crafty thoughts to get "suspicion" going. It will even go so far as to convince you that "it's not me, the ego, its your gut, go with your gut". "How can you ignore the gut". Well, maybe it's not always the gut. I have come up with some really good suspicious thoughts all on my own, with the help of my little ego friend that have really nothing to do with my "gut feeling" at all. The ego is just so good at pointing that way, because of all the pangs you are feeling inside your stomach. Your head says "yep, that my gut feeling" but the ego is over there in the corner laughing on it's side. What it really is, is nerves from all the worrying and thinking your ego has got you to do. The stomach always feels it first and then it's usually followed by the head. Nasty, Nasty little creature it is. And it doesn't stop there.
"Vicious at Worst"
Ever said anything so bad that after it has come out. you stop and can't believe that you honestly just said that? It happens at lot I suppose. I know I have done it countless times. And I also believe that my little ego Monster has screwed up my "karma" over the years, that I am still trying to clean up its dreadful messes.
So what is it about Love that makes us so stupid? Ego. Simple.
The ego places us into "Fear Mode" Fear of "what if's" and "what I said" and bad thoughts. With Fear there can not be light. And without light, there is always darkness. You cannot have Love and Fear at the same time.
Love is unconditional, and to the Ego, that is like it's kryptonite. If you truly love a person, place, even a thing, totally unconditionally, I can almost guarantee that there will be no further presence of the ego bouncing around. Yes, he will make every attempt to seep into any crack or crevice that is exposed and slide on in. But one must try as best they can to stay valiant and get out the mind caulk and seal those spaces at the first sight of this crazy creature.
That's the thing about the "Ego Monster" you are always cleaning up after it.
It's like the bad Gremlin, don't feed it, especially after midnight!

"Please review the Following limits and best practices."

So, I decided to try "Twitter".
It's not like I haven't before. Years ago, I had but when I was flooded with  1,000's of spammers, I deleted my account.
About a week ago, I'd been hearing about people and "tweeting", and "#" (hashtag topics) which I thought might be fun, having a new tablet.
What the heck, It may pass some time, or whatever it is that Twitter does now. Well, I have come to find out, that after a few weeks of "Twittering", I received this message:
 
"This account, @xxxxxxxx,xxx was suspended for following other users too aggressively."

Really?
Upon my own contemplation of what this means exactly, I went further into it.

"Following is a way to receive information in your timeline, from a person, company, or organization. However, a disproportionately large number of the users you followed have blocked your account or reported your account as spam. For more information about following best practices, please review the Following limits and best practices."

This of course, had me even more baffled. Mainly The part where it says: "a disproportionately large number of the users you followed have blocked your account or reported your account as spam."
1) I don't have a "large number of users" I follow. I carefully choose a "select few" that I "might" have in interest in what they have to say.
2) Then there is the "spam" issue. Yeah Right, I get more Spam in every part of the Internet, and nothing is more annoying than spam. In fact, as mentioned that is why I deleted my first account to begin with, but I know that part of the little bi-line there is just fluff. Then I get to this.

"You will need to change your behavior to continue using Twitter. Repeat violations of the Twitter Rules may result in the permanent suspension of your account."
"Change my behavior"?, Yeah like I haven't thought about that one on my own time.
The more I read, I am getting kind of mad. No one yet from the "Twitter-Powers-That-Be" will confirm what exactly I did, what I may have said. But yet,
"My Behavior must change" Then it goes on to give me the chance to "redeem and repent" myself to the "Twitter Sphere" with this:

"To continue using this account, please confirm below: I confirm I will discontinue overly aggressive follow behavior, as well as any other behaviors that are prohibited by the Twitter Rules."

Ahhh, No.
Why am I going to check these little boxes for something I know nothing about, much less "confirm" it. What's next, writing on the Chalk Board 100 times
"I will discontinue over aggressive follow behavior"
"I will discontinue over aggressive follow behavior"
"I will discontinue over aggressive follow behavior"
"I will discontinue over aggressive follow behavior"
 
I still have no idea at this point how or where this all started. So, then, "they"," them", "whomever they all are" at Twitter, posts that if I would like my account back, I must do the following:

"I understand that my account may be permanently suspended if I continue using Twitter in a way that violates the Twitter Rules."

Okay. Like I said, When I discovered this I was a bit caught off-guard at this. I will take responsibility for my actions, sure. But when I am broad sided, it's a bit un-nerving, and to a point, upsetting only, because I was, for the most part enjoying some of the contacts that I had.
So, I'm driving this morning, thinking about this, and began to change my whole thought process about it.
For the most part, the people I "followed" ( that word is annoying in itself as it is) were mostly people in the "spotlight" and most of my real time friends are on that other social page, so I didn't go adding them to my Twitter account as well. One update a day on "the kids spewing milk out of their noses" is enough for me. So, I went back to this part of the whole deal here*

"However, a disproportionately large number of the users you followed have blocked your account "

I then got this "ah-ha" moment.
IF, if, this is the case, Then Thank you very much to those that are in the spotlight, to recognize little ole me as someone who you cannot take what I have to say back to you. I would also like to add that are you really THAT THINNED SKINNED?. Then you should meet some of my tell-it-like-it-is girl friends who could give you a lesson in that. I suppose the talking heads in the media that bash your work every single day, are no problem, but I comment on a "bad fitting dress" that this person's stylist should be aware of, after that person posted a picture in the ole "What do you think?" game.
Well, she asked. right? and I answered.
And if someone (s) whomever (s) that person may be, posts everything and anything out there, just because they are "celebrity" then they have the right to bitch about it?
C'mon, don't these people have better things to do, than worry about some comment on Twitter? How many times have you heard with the grand hair flip gesture "Oh, I never care about what the press says about me".
Fair enough, but I am not the press. I am obviously someone you do care about what I say.
Thank You again, for making me feel , yes, THAT important.

BTW, Twitter keeps on sending me "updates" on whom " I " may interested in following.

"Me making people laugh, finding the humor in things, trying to lighten up the mood between disgruntled parents, getting attention… It sort of was a survival technique.” -Jennifer Aniston

Well said, Ms. Aniston, Well Said. I am also just trying to lighten the mood. Maybe I should have followed you on Twitter.

The Harvest Moon for 2013

The Harvest Moon for 2013 happens this Thursday, Sept. 19. (Stefan Seip/Astro Meeting/NASA)

Get ready for the Harvest Moon. Depending on where you live on the planet, it’s either Wednesday or Thursday of this week.
“In traditional skylore, the Harvest Moon is the full moon closest to the autumnal equinox,” EarthSky reports, “and depending on the year, [it] can come anywhere from two weeks before to two weeks after the autumnal equinox.” For 2013, that changing of the seasons happens on September 22 — just a few days from now.
Unlike the Blue Moon we covered back in August, the Harvest Moon behaves differently than a typical full moon. “Throughout the year, the moon rises, on average, about 50 minutes later each day,” according to NASA Science News. “But near the autumnal equinox … the day-to-day difference in the local time of moonrise is only 30 minutes.” Why does that matter? Simply put, agriculture.

“In the days before electric lights, farmers depended on bright moonlight to extend the workday beyond sunset,” wrote NASA’s Dr. Tony Phillips. “It was the only way they could gather their ripening crops in time for market. The full moon closest to the autumnal equinox became the Harvest Moon, and it was always a welcome sight.”
(MORE: This Blue Moon is Not Your Typical Blue Moon)
Back in 2010, there was a Super Harvest Moon — the first one in two decades and the last until 2029 — when the seasonal lunar event happened on the night of the autumnal equinox, offering what Phillips describes as “maximum illumination.”
So, when should you try to catch a glimpse of the Harvest moon? “Although the moon will appear full all night long — from dusk till dawn — astronomers define full moon as that instant when the moon lies most directly opposite the sun for the month,” according to EarthSky. That moment will occur at 7:13 a.m. on Thursday ET (that’s 11:13 Universal Time). But isn’t that morning, you ask? Yep, the moon will be full after sunrise for the eastern United States, but other time zones should have more luck.
Musician Neil Young has a slightly more romantic take on this moon, about dancing in its glowing light: “Because I’m still in love with you / I want to see you dance again / Because I’m still in love with you / On this harvest moon.”
MORE FROM WEATHER.COM: Beautiful Full Moon Images

Because Otherwise It'll Be Like Everything else I Do. (Part 1)

Because otherwise it'll be like everything else I do. 'Cause let's face it, I never finish anything.- Well, it's true. You know why I think it is? - ADD.

That's not me, This is me. But doesn't it sound like me?
I got to thinking about this Blog, last night while watching the movie "Julie and Julia". I looked over at the person beside me and said "You know, I was one of the first bloggers out there", he didn't care much really, simply because what he picked up from the movie about blogging, he really doesn't know that much about it.
My little lonesome blog, that started out with so much. well I am not really sure what it exactly started out to be. Something I would write in everyday. My last entry was 2 years ago! 2 years ! It's funny, you know, the things we leave, and then come back too. Why do we do that? Why do some things really matter in our lives and some things just take a back seat? Are they less important in some way? Do we think that the needs of others are more important than the needs of out own. I know I do. That's why I never finish anything. No wait, I never finish anything out of discouragement. I get so am a person that gets over overwhelmed and sees no way out of things, unless you quit. But you know, it's 6 a.m. and I don't really want to rant on about things being shitty and all. They are, if you want to know. But I suppose everyone is in that place. I really don't know what I am talking about. Well..actually I do. I can't believe that I am still going around the same mountain. And I think like this is all a new thing, but when I go back and read entries from years ago, I want to cringe. I really cannot believe that some things have not changed in the slightest, except my age, body aches and energy. More of some, and definitely less of the other. Yes, obviously, I am still trying to figure things out, I am still even now more than ever struggling with my art. In fact, I am on the verge of never ever drawing again. I have had it. I used to read about how Michelangelo used to have these "art meltdowns" where he would work for days and weeks on a fresco, and then just pull it apart with his fingers cause it was "off" in some way. I just finished a rather large, "commissioned" piece for a couple. Yes commissioned as in I actually got paid for it. But I wish I could rip it apart now. Because It didn't grant me the fanfare in my own head of dropped confetti that finally will lead me down the road of art greatness. In fact, I have come to the realization that I had "Stage Parents" not like those crazy ones that push kids into some strange vortex of self indulgence or want them to be "their" dreams, mine were a lot less subdued. (Though I sorta wish there were a little more "pushy") My parents told me at a very young age, that I was going to be an "artist" and somehow my life had been mapped out for me ever since. They were convinced that since I was able at age seven, to have the capability to draw beyond a stick figure in the 3rd grade that I was an artist. Back then, I suppose that was a pretty major thing. Especially since most of the kids I grew up with didn't do much in the way of talent, so to them and later on, my teachers I stood out. I couldn't get good grades (I was to busy doodling on the side of my papers in class all the time to pay attention), but I could draw just well enough to land me all sorts of gold stars in Art and "Art Editor" titles in every one of my yearbooks. So of course that when it came time for collage, what was I going to do? Temp Fate? Baulk at My Destiny? No. I was going to art collage, not just any , the best in the country, The Harvard of all art schools. Where, by the way I was told I would never make it as an artist, by teachers who didn't make it as artists. That same old clenched line you hear over an over in movies, or some great successful person's story. Well, guess what, I heard it over and over. Strangely enough, I have had art jobs in the corporate world for many years. That said, my point being, is that I don't think or even remember ever having a choice in what "I" wanted to do. I had somehow let the years roll over from one to another with the paintbrush and pencil in hand. And. to make matter worse, in the art community I haven't found what I really like to do. If asked I would say just plain pencil sketches, shading is cathartic to me. I love to do that and that alone. But I get all kinds of comments on that "You need to do color" or "do you have anything in color. I do but I suck at color. I know this from when I fiddled around as a Tattoo Artist. I was told I have no color sense. And IF I were ever going to make it as a Tattoo Artist "I have to know color". And I bought that line, despite some of the best Tattoos I have ever seen have been done in black and white. But that's neither here nor there now, I am not writing about my failed attempt at tattooing. I am still in he blurred lines of this "image" of me as an artist. And has this lead me to the other contentious failed attempts at things in my life, hence the same mountain. If I cannot make in to what appears to be "my destiny" then how am I supposed to figure out everything else? So I asked myself, if I could go back all those years, and not have any of that "Your an Artist" plastered on me like a cheap "Post-It", what would I have done instead? I would have danced (this is where I really wish I had the pushy parents come in). I would have acted.This came from an early play in school "Achilles", you know the one where now you look it up and see Brad Pitts Picture) , well I got the part of Aphrodite. This was major for me. I was chosen to play the most beautiful of all the Goddesses? I didn't have to draw anything, I wasn't the set designer, I just had to wear a beautiful dress and hand Achilles a really cool blinged out golden apple, and be hot. And this major milestone for me at least, somehow escaped my parents? where the I hate the cameras, but I love being on stage. Go figure. And If I really went in a more scholastic route, I would have been an architect or a little more aware of where the Internet was headed. Since I taught myself how to use a computer which was a Mac II GS, yes that's how long ago. But no, I am still fighting the same demons of being an artist. Stuck in the mere thought pattern of one stupid quote "The minute you are ready to give up, don't, that's when things happen." Really?

Wow, I am back after so long.. I am thrilled to see I got one member, I hope it's a real person, No matter It gave me incentive to keep up with this blog. I love this blog, because it goes back before "blogging" was the thing. Do I get some points for that? I mean look at the date when I began it. My first entry was about Joaquin Phoenix. and I don't even think he does movies anymore. But mostly, I am thrilled about what I have wrote and that they are archived. Some of the entries have given me a good laugh, I hope that my one sole "member" finds the same enjoyment. I am in a much better place these days, but I still loathe the media and social injustices. Still a hippie at heart. And I think the weather channel needs to stick to being a "TRUSTWORTHY" bunch of experts, and not ratings chasers. And don't even get me started on Beoncye's little publicity stunt on the VMA's last night. Like anyone REALLY gives a dam she is having a kid. Call Kim K. sure she will care. Oh wait, she another story altogether. Hey Kim, just got married and shows up at the VMA's - ALONE!!! Nice Kimmy. What did you tell Your 6 hour husband, "I'll be right back hon".

"I'm a Golden God!".....

Years ago in the iconic film "Almost Famous" Russell
Hammond, played by Billy Crudup shouted from the rooftop those words. The connection to the two was made instantaneously, after I saw this video.
And like the aforementioned predecessor before those in this video, sheer genius.
It's even better than the real video by Ms. Perry. This is not to say that musicians or lack there of these days (that's another post entirely) shouldn't be in their own music videos, but this is case for going back to the day when Bon Jovi had the idea for their "Bad Medicine" video gather a group of fans with cameras make the video. (If You haven't seen it, look it up, things like this have been done for years.)
These group of college Men, are fun! witty, and classically humble, showing that you don't need all things like video games, Ipads, and anything that is shown on the lack luster "Skins" to have a blast.
You just need some good humored friends, with a little imagination. It's good to go out and just play.
Point taken Guys!