I am so utterly frustrated right now with the way things in my life are
happening or lack there of happening. I absolutely cannot stand the fact that I
have no motivation or drive to get myself to do anything that requires some
sense of real work or find something that has any meaningful passion for me.
I
think I am tired of trying.
No, I am tired of thinking of things that will WORK!
Tired of believing that the biggest success in my life is that I am not a
success.
Maybe I should be a writer, because I am so fed
up with this art thing, I really have come to believe that it is just not in the
cards for me.
Blogging hasn't produced much either. I more or less
write to the air, and that's okay. I rather put it there and spill it all over
people who really don't want to hear how things are not where I had hoped
they would be, and I probably will most likely edited this before I even post
it, because it sounds so "poor me" and that's not really what I am going for,
not to mention the complete run-on sentences.
So, if I were to write, what exactly would I
write about?
Would I write a book?
Would I write a column on how crappy I think
some people dress? or just keep on tossing my thoughts into the air right here.
Where according to "Google" I have had 1 person look at this Blog in the past
month, so if that is indeed true, then I would like to know who you are, just so
I can not add Google to my list of cynicism and doubt concerning their counting
abilities.
Don't really know WHY I would even consider
writing. I was the quintessential kid in high school, that every paper that I
got back in any type of writing class was so full of the teachers "evil red pen" that
it was a wonder I was even able to see what was being corrected. I failed every
attempt at writing anything. Especially in collage. Oh, they hated my work as
much as they hated my art. I can still hear that ripping of my work from the
boards after hours and hours of creative thoughtfulness went into the project. I
wonder if I still am harboring some kind of bad vibes from that, like the angry
children in Pink Floyd's "Another Brick In The Wall" ..."Hey Teacher, Leave Us
Kids Alone!". Yea, that was me alright. I was such a rebellious brat, and thing
was, I had no idea that I was. Wish I did, Then maybe I could of been one of
those real angry arty types.
But I am not.
I did have this epiphany. Came in dream. Yes,
for real. (to you that one person that reads this) And it went something like
this.
I had mentioned in a previous post about the
"mural from hell" that I did for this couple, and when something like that
occurs and becomes that of an disastrous event in ones quest for "Art
Greatness" it will hang on for a while. Thus, the dream epiphany. And it said
"Do not do any more art for people to buy, let people buy your
art".
This was like gates opening and the angels
singing, "that's it" I thought.
I have been so consumed with "CUSTOM" Design, that
I didn't see anything else. "If a person can see it, then I will draw it".
But wait, what then happens to my own vision of Art? It's non existent.
Not saying that "designers" are un cool, or they are not artists at all.
Designers are
great, I just happen not to be as good of one as I thought.
This is the problem with designing. First you
have to without a doubt do what "the client wants". I don't care how much they go
on and on about "You have full reign on whatever it is -YOU- (the artist) want
to do".
No, it doesn't even work that way.
Then, there is the gosh awful thing
that I am sure every artist without a manager dislikes more than anything and
that is "pricing your own work".
Lord, I may as well give my work away for
free. I can in no way get a simple electric bill figured out much less price
out my time. (speaking of which my eclectic bill just happened to get shut off
completely as I was writing this).
We also, always try and pull the "what materials will be needed"
thing to cushion the blow. And, it's always the same look on the clients face.
They do not want to pay that amount and look at you like you are crazy for even
throwing that number out there. It feels a bit degrading, and you haven't even
started the actual work.
Look, I am just speaking for myself, and maybe there is
my one friend that reads this who can relate. I don't know.
So then you start the process
of doing what you hope is this fabulous design, and it literally takes me weeks
to put the paint to it.
Color scares the crap out of me.
Don't know why.
Don't
have any problems with color.
Yellow and I have never had a serious
altercations.
My box of Crayolas and I are in perfect harmony.
Except when I
reach for them and they turn into PMS (Prismacolor Mental Syndrome). Not even
going near them. Even the angry artsy type person uses a color block pillow in
his all Black and White dwelling.
I truly prefer to be in my Black and Gray
shading of a world when it comes to my art.
But now I have a dilemma. The
wonderful world of "Pintrest" which I consider to be the best of
social media and my escape has gotten into my world of
"Post Design".
For some odd
reason pictures that I have posted of "designs" that I have done are being
re-pinned all over the place.
I am thrilled, because it falls under the epipthany
concept of "People choosing what they like". I didn't have to sell these designs
to anyone, they spoke for themselves.
So I wonder do I take this as some kind of
"clue" to an answer I have been looking for?. The set back is that all these
"designs" in question are all in color. (GASP!)
Do I really want to start
all over again with this kind of project?
What is it about them now that makes them
invoke some interest?.
Do I want to get back in there and try the same thing
again? only to find it just may be the same mountain, that I have been around
and around.
Honestly, I have been quite comfortable with coming to terms
with myself that I don't want to draw anymore. But at the same time, I am
very uncomfortable with the thought of "What do I do now?".
Even My Blog got off
track with posting from other blogs (which I have taken down, the ONLY thing I have taken down).
Since Collage,
have all those years up to now been wasted?
Is there really anything to show
from them?
I think it is more that I have done it because it is something that
everyone expected me to do, and like I had said in "Because Otherwise It'll Be
Like Everything else I Do. (Part 1)" of the piece before this one, I am not sure
that is what I truly wanted for myself.
Now comes the part where I have to look around,
climb out of this rabbit hole, and see what's out there and what ignites a
passion? (Still A question)
