Thanksgiving...Part 2

Can You not be Thankful on Thanksgiving?
I am really going to go out on a limb here and be not politically correct.
Besides the usual things, Home, Heath and Family, lets for a minute take all that away and then ask are we thankful for anything?
What I am thankful for right now, is that Thanksgiving is over.
After having a horrible Thanksgiving Day, that spilled into today, I don't feel much into the "Thanks" mood. Honestly, I despise that this time of year pushes us into feeling a certain way. Be Thankful. Be Joyous, Be giving, Give in the spirit of the season. Well I don't feel that way. And there is that part of me that is upset that I do feel that way.
Its kind of a drag when you "plan" things and they don't turn out. Seems to screw everything else up.
The second part to the last blog entry was a planned surprise party tonight, which had me thinking all day yesterday if I should tell my boyfriend about it. After the fiasco with the motorcycle. I kept thinking about the "intent" and more or less, the consequences of this had he got upset again. So I told him.
"No ,no no! " , which of course was what I suspected he was going to say. So this morning. made some calls and canceled the party. Thus . pretty much ruining my day, as I was looking forward to planning this little party.
So, does the intent switch? or is it still on me for not seeing this sooner before I planned this party? Is there any responsibly of the giver to step outside himself and be a good sport?
No.
Because he wont, not because he is a jerk. But because that's just the way he is. Selfish , yes.
I tried to think of times when I was put into positions of surprise and how I felt. I couldn't really think of any because I only had one surprise party and that was blown by someone who thought I knew, So I wasn't to surprised anymore. but I thought about how I would feel if I never found out that night. Thinking back to the place where it was, I was in high school, and when in high school, usually everyone shows up, so there were at least 70 people there. Had I walked into that room without knowing, I think I would have turned around and ran the right out the door. I am not sure if people really like to be surprised. Yea, a check for 20 grand is a nice surprise, but I am talking more about the party gig.
Ever see those big public marriage proposals on TV or at some sports event and the bride to be always has some look of hesitation on her face no matter how much she loves the guy?
My mother shared with me a story last night that completely blew me away, because I had no idea. She once planned one of the best surprise birthday parties for my father, invited the whole town, the house looked amazing, and when he walked in, everyone yelled "Surprise!", he looked happy , and did the whole party thing, I thought, I'm sure like the rest of the guests "what a great party". My mother went on to tell me that My father never forgave her for that, and to never do that to him again. That was the deciding factor in me telling my boyfriend of his party, I didn't want to risk him resenting me for something I already had a feeling he was going to hate, and after telling him, I saw the effect before the "cause".
I have to admit that I am somewhat miffed today about how all this went down. I mean I did have a whole day planned of planning and I thought about the others who were involved who may have been disappointed, but that didn't bother me so much because I knew, honestly they could take these things or leave them. That's just the kind of people we are around and that's fine.
So, I wonder what it is about the element of surprise that bothers some people. Is it the awkwardness? All the attention that is being placed on that particular person? There is a part of me that wonders where the fear or insecurity comes from? how easy it is for us to place that upon another person when we put them in a position of surprise and they have to deal with those fears.
Am I mad?
No, I was .
Disappointed?
Somewhat, but I'll get over it.

Thanks & Intent

There is a difference of giving for yourself and really giving to another person. Going through life, this is one of the things that I have found and also be one if the hardest things to figure out. And this is a very fine line.
When something is given, if it is the thought that really matters then how much time do we really think about the thought. I am not sure if it is some kind of learning lesson, maybe it is because it always seems to become clearer after the fact.
How many times have we given things that are given to make us all look better? Are the gifts we choose for another more about what the receiver will think of us? what the people around them will think?
I thought this once when I heard a friends wife bought her husband a brand new Harley Davidson, I thought more about what "she" did than the actual gift of the bike. Do some gifts that are over the top make the giver look bad, even if it was given in the best intentions? I think I am one of those people, who like to give for the purposes of how I am seen . Sadly and as difficult as it is to admit, its the truth, and makes me wonder how to correct this.
I believe that we all start out with the thought, what would this person like? and from there, at least for me , I somehow shift into what can I do so I am noticed for the gift I have given. That's really bad, I know. I guess a lot has to do with "intention" which sums it up best in the dictionary. a : what one intends to do or bring about.
This could be a good thing, IF the intent is done with honesty. But it takes a lot to really dig deep in there and make sure that the honestly is there.
The second part of the definition reads: a concept considered as the product of attention directed to an object of knowledge , the operative word there being "attention". In my case, it is the attention. I cannot believe that I am so in need for attention, that I do this when it comes to gifts. I really do begin with the best "intention" , I think about what the receiver of the gift would like, but then I go beyond that into myself and think "wasn't that a cool thing that she did". I have run into this problem a lot of times.
There was one year at Christmas that I had just gotten married and my then husband and I spent an obnoxious amount on gifts for everyone, to the point where everyone else was uncomfortable. It felt more like we were "bragging" than giving gifts. I suspect that at the time I was. I wanted people to see we were doing well. That surely is not the spirit of giving especially during the holiday season.
So, what has sparked this? today on Thanksgiving of all days. It was my boyfriends birthday, and of course, wanted to get him a gift.
Again the intent was there, but it soon turned around to what seems like never ending quest to make something of my art. I thought I would have his motorcycle painted for him with one of My designs on it. thus incorporating myself back into the gift. Carnal rule number 1. Never mess with your man's motorcycle, or probably anyone's for that matter, and I knew this. I swear by anything I feel is holy , I know this , I even knew it better when I was in the garage trying to get the bike to where it needed to go, it just didn't feel right to me, I could feel it then, and it was so clear that there could of been a neon sign over me, saying "this just isn't right" and yet I went ahead with it anyway, because I kept thinking of the great design I had spent hours on that was going to go on the bike.
So, once again became about "me". And my boyfriend had told me numerous times "I don't want anything" , we all hear that and think they don't mean it, but some people do. and the last thing he wanted was for me to be screwing around with the one thing he loves more than life itself.
Earlier that night he saw a tool bag that I use for my art and said, "that's what I could really use". I ignored that request and was set on continuing with my little plan. Thus, bringing the plan to "cause and effect" which the effect almost turned disastrous.
My boyfriend thought the bike was stolen and freaked, began to set a whole chain of events in motion from police reports to calling off Thanksgiving dinner and so on. It wasn't until I got back home in time to explain it. He was then ok with it, though I knew he was still a bit rattled that I messed with his bike, but I was the one in the bad mood. I was mad as hell as him, and I was wrong to be. Simply because it wasn't about what he wanted, it was about loosing my chance for "look what I did for him". That is the kicker that will kick your own ass every time, and make no mistake about it, it will.
I think what it comes down to is "listening". Listening when someone says something about what "they" really want. Nine times out of ten, they usually are telling the truth.
Again from the dictionary : implies something tangible and immediately attainable . For me, this holds true as I want things now. And when an occasion arises such as gift giving this is the when My mind goes into overdrive "I can get the attention now" because I am a very, very impatient person.
So, after a bit of sulking, I sat and thought for a while, I thought about this whole thing and how wrong I felt about it from the very beginning, and realized that it was just wrong from the start and apologized to my boyfriend. I made him feel bad because I knew I wasn't going to get that attention after the final product was finished.
Even now as I write this, I am wondering "what was I thinking?"
I know exactly what I was thinking.
I was thinking about me. Yea, I wanted him to have a good gift, but the tool holder he liked would have been just enough and that had nothing to do with me or my art, it was "neutral" and would make his job a bit easier. I wish I saw that then, and yet I am glad I didn't.
My boyfriend may be a lot of things in some respect, but he does one thing really well. He teaches me things, He makes me grow, and he's straight up. I honestly don't think that there is much more one can be thankful for when it comes to things like that because lessons learned have nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me in the true spirit in which it they are "intended".the fact that there was not "intent" just meaning.
With the holidays here, I hope , especially for me that I can take myself out of the receivers gift and give with the same intent that I have learned from my better half.

The Bachelor

Sheep in Wolves Clothing