Because Otherwise It'll Be Like Everything else I Do. (Part 1)

Because otherwise it'll be like everything else I do. 'Cause let's face it, I never finish anything.- Well, it's true. You know why I think it is? - ADD.

That's not me, This is me. But doesn't it sound like me?
I got to thinking about this Blog, last night while watching the movie "Julie and Julia". I looked over at the person beside me and said "You know, I was one of the first bloggers out there", he didn't care much really, simply because what he picked up from the movie about blogging, he really doesn't know that much about it.
My little lonesome blog, that started out with so much. well I am not really sure what it exactly started out to be. Something I would write in everyday. My last entry was 2 years ago! 2 years ! It's funny, you know, the things we leave, and then come back too. Why do we do that? Why do some things really matter in our lives and some things just take a back seat? Are they less important in some way? Do we think that the needs of others are more important than the needs of out own. I know I do. That's why I never finish anything. No wait, I never finish anything out of discouragement. I get so am a person that gets over overwhelmed and sees no way out of things, unless you quit. But you know, it's 6 a.m. and I don't really want to rant on about things being shitty and all. They are, if you want to know. But I suppose everyone is in that place. I really don't know what I am talking about. Well..actually I do. I can't believe that I am still going around the same mountain. And I think like this is all a new thing, but when I go back and read entries from years ago, I want to cringe. I really cannot believe that some things have not changed in the slightest, except my age, body aches and energy. More of some, and definitely less of the other. Yes, obviously, I am still trying to figure things out, I am still even now more than ever struggling with my art. In fact, I am on the verge of never ever drawing again. I have had it. I used to read about how Michelangelo used to have these "art meltdowns" where he would work for days and weeks on a fresco, and then just pull it apart with his fingers cause it was "off" in some way. I just finished a rather large, "commissioned" piece for a couple. Yes commissioned as in I actually got paid for it. But I wish I could rip it apart now. Because It didn't grant me the fanfare in my own head of dropped confetti that finally will lead me down the road of art greatness. In fact, I have come to the realization that I had "Stage Parents" not like those crazy ones that push kids into some strange vortex of self indulgence or want them to be "their" dreams, mine were a lot less subdued. (Though I sorta wish there were a little more "pushy") My parents told me at a very young age, that I was going to be an "artist" and somehow my life had been mapped out for me ever since. They were convinced that since I was able at age seven, to have the capability to draw beyond a stick figure in the 3rd grade that I was an artist. Back then, I suppose that was a pretty major thing. Especially since most of the kids I grew up with didn't do much in the way of talent, so to them and later on, my teachers I stood out. I couldn't get good grades (I was to busy doodling on the side of my papers in class all the time to pay attention), but I could draw just well enough to land me all sorts of gold stars in Art and "Art Editor" titles in every one of my yearbooks. So of course that when it came time for collage, what was I going to do? Temp Fate? Baulk at My Destiny? No. I was going to art collage, not just any , the best in the country, The Harvard of all art schools. Where, by the way I was told I would never make it as an artist, by teachers who didn't make it as artists. That same old clenched line you hear over an over in movies, or some great successful person's story. Well, guess what, I heard it over and over. Strangely enough, I have had art jobs in the corporate world for many years. That said, my point being, is that I don't think or even remember ever having a choice in what "I" wanted to do. I had somehow let the years roll over from one to another with the paintbrush and pencil in hand. And. to make matter worse, in the art community I haven't found what I really like to do. If asked I would say just plain pencil sketches, shading is cathartic to me. I love to do that and that alone. But I get all kinds of comments on that "You need to do color" or "do you have anything in color. I do but I suck at color. I know this from when I fiddled around as a Tattoo Artist. I was told I have no color sense. And IF I were ever going to make it as a Tattoo Artist "I have to know color". And I bought that line, despite some of the best Tattoos I have ever seen have been done in black and white. But that's neither here nor there now, I am not writing about my failed attempt at tattooing. I am still in he blurred lines of this "image" of me as an artist. And has this lead me to the other contentious failed attempts at things in my life, hence the same mountain. If I cannot make in to what appears to be "my destiny" then how am I supposed to figure out everything else? So I asked myself, if I could go back all those years, and not have any of that "Your an Artist" plastered on me like a cheap "Post-It", what would I have done instead? I would have danced (this is where I really wish I had the pushy parents come in). I would have acted.This came from an early play in school "Achilles", you know the one where now you look it up and see Brad Pitts Picture) , well I got the part of Aphrodite. This was major for me. I was chosen to play the most beautiful of all the Goddesses? I didn't have to draw anything, I wasn't the set designer, I just had to wear a beautiful dress and hand Achilles a really cool blinged out golden apple, and be hot. And this major milestone for me at least, somehow escaped my parents? where the I hate the cameras, but I love being on stage. Go figure. And If I really went in a more scholastic route, I would have been an architect or a little more aware of where the Internet was headed. Since I taught myself how to use a computer which was a Mac II GS, yes that's how long ago. But no, I am still fighting the same demons of being an artist. Stuck in the mere thought pattern of one stupid quote "The minute you are ready to give up, don't, that's when things happen." Really?