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I was just listening about people who talk about things they are grateful for, heard it many times about how they write it down or talk about it amongst family and so on.
So I thought about it, and wondered what I am grateful for, especially on a day that I am not feeling to great anyway about things. One of the points brought up was about letting go of the things that don't work for you anymore. I am not sure what isn't working for me, and the flip side of the coin on that is the ones that say to keep "persevering". That alone totally confuses me.
I know that I am grateful for my art by it still falls under the category of it possibly not working for me. I cannot bear to think of a day when I don't think about my art or do my art. But it just is not happening in the way I want it to.
It took me a long time to do this, to show my book to complete strangers. Usually it's always friends or family. In the last week or so I have been bringing my portfolio up to a few events. I get the usual comments, most of them right up there with some of the best artists.
I never thought about being "grateful" for that. And sometimes I get called to do some "favors" with my art for my friends. I never thought about that as something to be grateful for, maybe I am missing something here. I am sure I would be much more grateful if I made any money from my art. I have heard for years how good it is, but it doesn't make me anymore happy about not being paid.
So, the last event where I had my portfolio, a women was looking through it and flipped the pages in a rather flickering motion. She said "this is ugly" all of it, I just don't like it" My jaw dropped. After the fact that I wanted to kick her ass. And made it a point to let her know that she was rude and shot her dirty looks for the rest of the night, not letting her be reminded of how much she pissed me off. But as I think about it now, as I always do with things days later, I wonder what it is about these women's comments that got to me. After all, she was just about the first and only person to be honest, she surely didn't tell me all the things that I had heard over a zillion times before. Maybe, its the way she said it, It would have been nice to get some constructive criticism on my art. But besides all that, this women stands out from all the rest because she "hated" my art. And that's OK. Art is sometimes supposed to be disliked. I know many artists work that I cant stand. Salvador Dali is one of them. And the list goes on. I also don't much care for other artists as people, that's a given I think in this bizness anyway, we usually are like that, so critical of everything that they do because we do too. So, I am trying to get back to this "being grateful" entry. Ok, I am grateful for that women's comment because she stands out from everyone. Did she make me look at my art any differently. yes, for a few minutes, I wondered to myself if in fact my art was "ugly" ? I don't think it is. but it could be. I don't know really, except for her, no one has ever told me any different. Even on web sites where my art is displayed.
But is it missing that one thing that keep anyone from actually wanting to own it? I would give anything to know what that is if that were the reason. Maybe it is not a "thing" , perhaps it is a "person" that one person who really likes it and wants to own it.
That would be a person I would be grateful for.
I am pretty sure at this point this entry doesn't make much sense at this point, but it's been a while since I wrote.
And this being the last day of the month, I figured when In started this entry that I would do what I was "grateful" for , but I just cant get past that "I'm not feeling so grateful" Looking over a few of the past entries, I seem to have been on the same wavelength of dissatisfaction with things. I am not sure that is such a bad thing, except for all the negative crap flying around, I am well aware of how bad that all is and I can feel it.