The Phoenix & The Harley

I should have been following up each day, and haven't for various reasons.
One of the things that I found to be VERY true in this process is that no matter what it is you are trying to change, whether it be thoughts or habits, anything, there are things that are going to come and try to trip your ass up, in ways that even surprise me.

One of the very important things that Marianne Williamson refers to is that once you begin this process, of refocusing, that there is "stuff" that has been inside you for so long, and eventually it has to "purge itself". A kind of "mental cleaning". I suppose like everything else, you have to remove the "clutter" to get to where you need to be.

I cannot stress enough, that this is probably one of the hardest parts of this, and something, that I don't think is mentioned enough in all these "make it happen books".
There is no way to make anything happen, unless this so called purging takes place. And it seems that though the years, the more it has been swept under the rug, the harder it is to do. For lack of any better analogy here, it is like climbing a mountain, its an easy start (once you decide to do it), and once in the middle of it, you are then getting more tired. Then looking up to see how much farther you have to go to get to the top. This is the point where you feel like you are barely hanging on, and you can either let go and fall and be right back where you began, or take a breath and keep climbing, knowing, full well there will be more rocks, boulders and landside's coming to keep from getting to the top.

One of the passages in the book, is to keep "focus" on the good and not the "bad".
But this is a double edged sword in a way, because right now, its very hard not to focus on the bad that has occurred in the last 24 hours.
I had learned that my father just had a stroke, which is tearing me apart.
I am trying very hard to adjust to the work thing. And not that well.
Oddly enough, I happened to run into the very same person that I spoke about when I stopped writing. She showed up to deliver magazines to the place where I was working.
Now, this book and countless others on this subject talk about "coincidence".
"Sometimes it will be easy. Most of the time early on it wont be, which is why watching for those so-called coincidences is so important. They are a validation that something's actually happening; they keep you going".
-page176

Needless to say, it was not a pleasant meeting. And after she said a few things and tried to get me to do some -pass a good word- for her, and I refused, she went on again, to dig into me a little more. Now, before, I am perceived as crying the "poor me", I will continue with this.....
I was seething mad, and wished that I had said something to her before she left, and thought about calling her editor, and then finally decided that I was just going to let it go. But as luck would have it, she comes back. And I wasted no time in laying into her.
In fact I wanted to punch her. I didn't of course. But had my say and I didn't feel any better for it really. It was just something else to add and another obstacle to be try and get over, which incidentally, I would have been doing OK, had she not showed back up. Again, the belief that we are always being tested. One day, I hope to pass.

By the end of the day [yesterday] I was just about done, and tired beyond belief.
I find the need to sleep a lot a big factor, and no, its not depression, it complete boredom and escape right now.
My significant other, for lack of a better term, didn't seem to pleased when he came home, though asked if I would take a ride with him and I agreed . We were not even half way down the street before I had seen a dog that was tangled in a noose leash and almost got hit by us from darting out into the street.
I saw the women in the yard at the house soon after and called out to her
"better go see about your dog!". It was no sooner than that, that I was stuck in the arm by my other half, and sneered at with "what the @$#% are you doing!, that's -MY- neighbor."
In shock I got out from the car and walked back home, I had hoped that some kind of humanity would present itself to him, but he just kept on going. I expected that anyway.
He did manage to stop on his way home and "apologize" to the neighbors on my behalf. Not knowing in the least, that I had already spoken with the women about what I saw with the dog and was only letting her know, the conversation was "civil" and she thanked me.
He managed to get out a less than heartfelt apology to me, not even taking to account my currant situation about my father or the fact that even hitting a women in the slightest way is OFF LIMITS! Period.
My mind reeled and reeled in this, I couldn't understand how I even stayed another night here. And though I am making NO excuse for his actions, It seems something must of happened during the day to set him off, he is generally not like that and one thing I did learn for sure, that he is the kind of man, that needs food, ALWAYS, I suppose most men do and perhaps this is key to keep things on a generally even flow,
Always have food, when they come home, as I didn't yesterday, and for some reason that seems to "trigger" some reflex bad memory. I suppose had I had a meal ready, these events may not have taken place, at least not then.
I had hoped that maybe my tiredness and emotional distress would be understood, but here's another fun fact, Men DON'T get that either.

So, I have been teetering on the edge of this mountain with the thoughts of moving on with my life and trying to get it back in some way. How can you not "focus" on that?
Is that the part where you just throw up your hands and do the ole' "let it fall where it may?". or do you try and make a decision?

There is a part of me now, that I don't think I can ever forgive him, maybe in time, I will forgive, but I won't forget. Although he seems to be sweeping it under the rug himself, and that is not my concern.

I am just going along with my own "focus" for now, keep climbing and keeping a sharper eye out for the boulders.
There is a lot I should be doing now, as far as my art, but I am not, and decided I am not going to be hard on myself about it, I admit I have used that "excuse" before, as a deterrent from just being "lazy" about things, but this time , I really mean it, because purging yourself of unwanted things is exhausting.