The Phoenix & The Harley

So far, the hardest part of this, despite being the 1st day, is the changing of thoughts.

I began the day by trying to take a step in helping my back problems and not relying on anyone else to do so, which I had been doing in the past few days.
So I took it upon Myself and went to the emergency room to get some advice and some relief. I went with a "positive" outlook that this would be a step in the right direction and even visualized and tried to "feel" myself getting the outcome I wanted.
Sad to say that none of this happened and I was more or less "dismissed" and felt it.

I couldn't figure out what I did wrong, maybe I did nothing wrong. Maybe this is just a long process and there is so much "negative junk" in there, like anything else its going to take a while to clean out. Maybe, there is still some "testing", I think we do get "tested" all time.

One few things I did notice is:
I wasn't as angry as I may have been in the past had this happened , say a week ago, I just sort of accepted it.
I was rude to a man that snuck up on me in the parking lot of the market and asked for money. I usually give it. Yet, that was an improvement, I am usually rude to a lot of people in a day, today it was just one person.
I did have a talk with someone who seemed willing to give me some guidance on a career path. [ That is the gratitude part of this project ]

Unfortunitly, I do believe that there is a truth to a "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy" and I feel as if I am in the midst of one right now. For the last few weeks I have been thinking constantly about leaving where I am, but there is a part of me that doesn't really want to, and yet I find that I am coming closer to that happening. I am not really understanding the whole process of "thought changing" and than I came across this part of the book:

"Because of our upbringing, and because of attitudes passed down over countless generations, we believe that what we see in the moment and what we are experiencing in the moment is the way it has to be until we either find a way to eradicate or accept it. We can see it, we're surely experiencing it, so in our own book that makes it reality.
And yet, reality- real reality -is nothing more than the result of how we've been flowing our energy." -page 116

I am more or less just reading random pages of the book, I don't know why I am not reading it from the beginning, and yet, found it odd, that after reading this and understanding it, I am now facing this problem. Something I am not sure that I can "change" alone. And being that it's 3 a.m. , its clearly bothering me enough that I cannot sleep.

I don't like when things are in "limbo", maybe that is the essence of this whole "thoughts" idea.
Until the thought is completely transformed, it is in "limbo". I know the mind will not give up that easy on something it is so used to and comfortable with.