I have been blessed...????

I never really heard that I had "heart"before. The compliment, as I suppose it was, came on a day when I thought it was going to be an excellent day to showcase some of my art work.
A large Annual was being held last Sunday and this event is hosted by one of the largest Motorcycle Companies in the world.
This who fiasco as it turned out to be began about two weeks before the event. I had gone there to try and get a vendor space to sell those silly trinkets I mentioned before. Well, no deal on that. Conflict of interest with what the store sells. I still have yet to understand where the blue fairy's I have clash with the heavy steel of biker parts.
With that I tried another tactic to get into this event, sell the T-Shirts I have. No. They weren't to keen on the club it represented, and yet that club rides nothing but their line of bikes, go figure. By this time I was running out of options, especially since my ace was being there last year. Unfortunately, the same people were going to be there again and I was no longer part of them, that of course turned from an ace to a spade real quick.
By this time, I was practically begging for a "space" at this event. The person on the other side of the desk must have felt sorry for me, rightfully so, if I weren't standing I would of been on My knees in my pleas [not really, but I was close enough]. We agreed I would just bring My "Book" , show my art. I took the offer and walked out with this unsatisfied feeling. But nonetheless, I got in.
For days I re-worked my book and even into that same morning, loading up and ready to go.
The day couldn't have been any nicer, clear an cool.
As I parked my vehicle, to find the lady that sympathized with me, and unload my small portfolio, I was suddenly approached by this man who looked like a "priest", and he was , actually a "Bishop" as I later heard him addressed.
He walled right up to where I was exiting from my car door and said "You are Blessed"
"I am?" , I said? and He made me repeated it and promise to say it all day.
Now surely, at the beginning of an event such as this, hearing such would make one think, "This is a darn good start", as the words from my last blog about "pick and choose" ran through my head.
The Bishop had a nice calming presence as He walked away. It was right at that moment that my car just shut off, so I tried to re-start it, and it wouldn't. But alas there were some of the best bike mechanics walking around there to take a look at the car. And 25 minutes later I watched as my car was being towed out of there completely unfixable at that point. Did I mention its a 2007?
Soon after my car left, so did I, being convinced I should go by my other half. At the time it seemed like a good idea. But it wasn't.
The rest of the day had me sulking and glaring at my boyfriend. I kept running through all the reasons why I should have stayed there and possibly a shot at my art work getting some "work". I also wanted to be out and see the people there and sadly, I wanted to see to people I was with last year at this time, so they saw I had moved on and was a vendor at this event just as easy as they were.
I say "sadly" because there is a part that feels that's really shallow of me, but after all the crap I went through with them, it felt justified in some way. I kept wondering why I didn't stay, and find a ride. And through all this, I kept thinking of the Bishop and being blessed.
The last thing I felt that day was blessed.
This whole incident bothered me so much that it carried over for the next few days. Sorting out the in's and out's of logical explanations. Was there some kind of "test" in this?, when would the "big picture of it all come into view? For some reason I wasn't meant to be there, yet , even that made no sense to me, and still doesn't right now.
And, so I am back to the "heart of the matter" the comment of having "heart" and in the context it was said, meaning I keep trying. I still am pondering if that is a "blessing".

Beginners Luck?

Sometimes the things that we concentrate on as what "we are supposed to do" take a strange turn when you toss your hat into the ring and try something else that you enjoy.

For me that is writing, and I guess that is why I "Blog"
Today, I saw my first attempt to write an article about an event that happens in our area get published to a National Magazine. The strange thing about it is that I have been doing art now for so many years I have lost count and then I take a shot at this writing gig and get published. I don't have any art published.

Beginners Luck? I don't know and don't really care at this point.

I am thrilled- thing is they forgot to publish the "revised article" so things were left out, and they also forgot to add my -bi-line- so pretty much I am still an anonymous writer :)

Shooting Star

Yea, I juat saw one.

Dropping the Mask....

Halloween has always been a "curious" Holiday. Each year it seems to grow a bit more in its popularity. More promotion to buy things and somehow use it as a transition to skip over "Thanksgiving" right into the Christmas Season.
At a small biker gathering I brought a bunch of candy to the home in a small black cauldron, and watched how big raw bikers selected each little candy-corn and devour it was such finesse. It was somewhat inspiring, as if memories were held in simple pieces of candy.

The next night, I attended My first Halloween party after many years of not doing anything on Halloween. Everyone that attended was dressed in costume, and what I found interesting was the "choices" that people make in choosing costumes. Its almost like an outer extension of themselves. A little glimpse into an "alter" personality.

My first costume when I was seven, I was a "ballerina" because I liked all the sequins it had on the costume. And I had a ton of make-up on My face like real ballerinas. Strangely enough, I never seemed to let go of the "sequin fetish" , if it shines from the rack then soon it will find its way into My closet. I must have not liked all the makeup though, because I loathe wearing any make-up to this day. I didn't dress up for this particular party, thinking of course "no one dresses up anymore". To My surprise, I was the only one not in costume. Usually, its the other way around, I'll show up in costume and everyone will be in street clothing drinking some strange concoction with dry ice coming off the top.

Dressing up in costumes seems to not only give a glimpse into an alter side of a person, it seems to make them "act out" what they are dressed as. There was a couple of "hippies" that danced like it was the 60's while rap themed music was on. A "Hulk Hogan" kept flexing His muscles every time he moved, and so on. Though, I wonder, about the irony of Halloween, as it seems to let is drop the masks of our guarded images on a Holiday when we are supposed to wear them.

Does Halloween give us more of a licence to act in ways that we wouldn't normally do, and allow us the freedom to go back to the things we did as children without judgement? I found this to be true while observing the Host of this party. She was an all out crazy - show your boobs- kiss all over everyone who was there. I admit. My eyes shot darts at her as I watched her. I thought she was annoying and obnoxious, and yet, I kind of wished I was having that much fun that night, instead of sitting off to the side costume less. I was an outcast amongst the outcasts.

And as the homes are adored in orange lights and big blow up Halloween ornaments, I happen to miss the simplicity of the carved pumpkin with the small candle in the window, and the small little orange "UNICEF" boxes that were handed out in grammar school.

But most of all I want to dedicate this to my "other half" who could drop his own "tough-guy mask" and chuckle at me as I was shooting darts at the host that night, as she strutted around in front of Him and being able to see right thorough my own territorial mask, teaching me sometimes we all drop our Masks.

Samatha who?

This new show on ABC is somewhat interesting to Me, I thought this was one worth writing about.

"Samantha Who?" starring Christina Applegate is a show about a Women who gets amnesia after an accident and can not remember her "past".

One of the things I found while watching this show was references to Christina's movie "The Sweetest Thing" [2002]. Applegate, uses a lot of the same nuances and phrases from that movie, even had the "Pina Colada Song" in her head after waking up and stating she doesn't know why she keeps hearing that song. In the movie the "Sweetest Thing", she and co-star Cameron Diaz sing that song on the way to a wedding.

These added little "if ya catch em" kind of things I found endearing, maybe a shout out to Diaz in some way.

But the question here is what would it be like to forget ALL of your past up until now, and have those around you inform you of the kind of person you "were". How much of that would you be willing to change?. Would it be a complete shock to have to look at pieces and events in your past that just would make you cringe that you acted in some kind of way that was "repulsive, rude or just down right wrong?" Can these things be fixed or does a leopard really not have the ability to change it's spots?

Samantha seemed to be utterly shocked that she bought so many shoes. I saw this as a part of each of us that tends to do things so impulsively, that we have no idea the accumulation of material things in our own lives. For me, personally, I don't think I could have to many shoes, but I will admit I have so many boxes that I don't know what's there. Maybe there is a part of us that just has to indulge in some simple pleasures.

And, like its predecessor "My Name is Earl" before "Samantha Who?", are we playing with the idea of laws of "Karma". Can we really make the wrongs in our lives right? And in the instance of Samantha, who is not the forgiver, but the forgiven, is there enough forgivness in those that are around her to do that? Can We really forgive the wrongs done by others when they seek to be genuinely forgiven? I think so.

"Samantha Who?" also throws in the needed skeptics, like her friends, battle their own negativity in the way they see the world and Samantha's questionable past. This particular episode had it end with Samantha's mother doing a puzzle. Perhaps letting us know that no matter what the circumstances, each piece will fall into place.

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."

There, now it can be in Your head too.

Late Night Finds...

Now My blog looks just like the other sites, embedded an all. Amazing what you can find during bouts of insomnia. Picture is a bit over the top. Looks like a cross between a Luis Royo and Miss Universe, but nonetheless it was interesting. Unfortunately, this new "finding" of posting glitter and such is going to be a problem, I know more will be posted to the point on annoying, and I will probably spend time looking for images. Speaking of the artist "Luis Royo" if You are not familiar with his work, I highly suggest checking him out. I think he is one of the best artists out there and an inspiration.
Here's My gratuitous link to His site:

http://www.luisroyo.com/

"Pick & Choose"

There are times, I want to stomp my foot, yell at God. That is , if God is in human form. When I was a child I was raised to believe that "HE" being the operative word, was this mean punishable ole man sitting in a chair high in the heavens pointing the finger. Much like he was depicted by the Great Masters of art.

Now I am not really sure what or who God is? An entity of matter ? or a person. Some say He is everywhere in everything. For now I will go with the person. The man with a son and angels and saints, the whole thing, because this is who I am stomping My foot at.
I want to know about this "pick and choose"

I want "him", God to answer me why some he listens to some and others he doesn't. All the men and women who prey for the bothers, sisters, wife's, husbands and children who fight over seas to come home safely, and only a 1/2 of them will.

It seems to begin as early grade school with the proverbial gum teacher and a dodge ball game, a person of power to point the finger of his "two best" to head up the teams and then throw down his power to them to "pick and choose" from best to worst to be on each team to dodge it out. I was always the one standing there with arms folded, praying in my mind I would be next as I looked around like it didn't bother me in the least that I was always last picked.

As we grow and mature, we pray for things like Prom, Homecoming, or that certain phone call on a Friday night. We watched how some got those things and others were passed by. If by chance you got one of those and luck as it were stuck you, was there ever a greater feeling?
You looked up at the sky and said "thanks!"

Its everywhere, award shows, professional games, and in hospitals. "Please choose Me" or "please don't choose Me". As we move on through life, the prayer and the pleads to "God" become more intense. You look for a "sign" anything, that you have been heard in some small way. Some call these "miracles" and having them around would keep one's faith in prayer.

But I am angry, because I prey for things. a huge believer in "karma" and yet, my direct line to God seems to be cut. How long am I supposed to keep going with this so called "God given talent" to draw and not draw? It's miles away from the "god given talent of someone like Marah Carey and her voice seemly "picked and chosen , awarded with accolades, and clearly a gift.
We pick and choose our gifts. Who gets what and when. Some get better ones on Christmas or Birthdays than others, So is pick and choose really in our own hands? Maybe it is in some small way.

Some people have the power to gift themselves whatever they want. Do they bi-pass God in this ? Do they send up a simple thanks?
I try and Thank God , [however He is seen] everyday for something, in hopes that I can get on his good side. That's not to say I am making any deals with Him, I am just trying to do what I was raised to be right.
Dumbfounded I sit here and watch the most horrific event of nature out in California. Acres of god's land being burned to ashes. Some have even referred to it as "hell" . I watch once again how the "pick and choose" affects those out there. The talk of some homes completely lost and the one right next to it, spared. I actually witnessed that phenomena years ago in the Nothridge earthquake, seeing a row of homes crushed into a pile a rubble, and there was that one right next store that didn't loose as much as a plate. This always gets me wondering, why some have to endure so much grief and others just escape it. Is there something they do or know that the rest of us don't?

And as I sit here and write this, I can over-hear on the T.V. a story about Women having it "all" and how she is going to give advice on having it. Her strategy a 360 degree life. Give me a break. She is an editor of a magazine with a good job and income. Telling Women "you can't reach for perfection" I am not asking for "perfection, I am smart enough to know it doesn't exist, but I still have not figured out this "pick and choose". And I want to know.
"Life is just not fair" , that should really read. well its fair for some and not for others. And that part really pisses Me off. I am not asking "God" for a mansion and a yacht to sail around the world with loads of money, I am simply asking to "live" I have the life but want to know how to live it. I'm tired of spending each day "waiting " for an answer as to what I am supposed to do. If I didn't have the desire to draw and get My art out there, this wouldn't be such an issue. I would find some job and do it and say My thanks. I feel like I was in that "talent section" in the womb and god said that one will "draw". but somewhere along the way from there to entry into the world I didn't get that last bit of whatever God gives to "make it". Again back to pick and choose.

As the years go on, I see myself now in the section of those that were given talents and never recognized for them. Just watch a reality show and see what I mean.
In the last few months I have given up on things, material things, clothes, shoes, old papers that I thought had meaning at one time.
I did a lot of this in the hopes that it would push away all that was blocking my ability to draw. Open the values so to speak. But is hasn't happened yet. I'm just a lot lighter in my load of "material things".

I have tried everything too. Explored every facet of art. I even sit with a little table and vendor silly items , the kind of things no one really wants but buys anyway. It makes me feel degraded in some way. I tell people I am an artist and it feels like I am lying right to them.
I even went as far to try to learn to be a tattoo artist, that was the light in my head that went off and said , "yes this is it" I have finally found what I am supposed to do.
Unfortunately I couldn't. and 5,000 dollars later it still angers me that I failed so miserably at it. I am not sure I have completely recovered form it yet.
Again, I ask why? If it was about that time needed to put into it, why didn't God give Me that strength to do it? He sure gave me enough excuses why I shouldn't be there, He's good at that.

They say You learn from every hardship or experience and move on from it, but how long? how many times ? Just once I want to be picked first on the team. I want to go out there with what I say I do and actually have something to show to back my words.