An Artists way back..to maybe finding creativity & some some well deserved meaning..of what I dont know, but there has got to be something.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Are We to Honest?
It seems we are in a society that condones Honestly about everything. I personally think that honestly is good. I don't like lying or liars for that matter, but at the same time, I am not sure that I like all this honestly. Everyone is so open with their "stuff." Remember when less was better?I happen to think there is a level of privacy that should be maintained on certain things, I mean, I really don't want to know who in the public eye is in rehab, or pregnant, or has been abused. Especially after all you hear is celebrities moan about their lack of privacy, and then they run to talk shows and such and spill their most intimate details. What happened to mystery? I would hate to think what would happen if I told the absolute honest truth about everything that happened in My life. No way. And now I hear about it from everyone else. Sure, there is that little bit of "glad its them and not me," but nonetheless, I'd prefer to have those sordid little details left out. And for that matter- sometimes I even like to be lied to, in a complementary sort of way, what's wrong with that. Being so honest can hurt just as bad as a lie. Maybe I am just a cynical bitch. How is that for "honesty."?
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Jamie Lynn Spears ...give Me a break..
What the heck is up with these people?
First. it just seemed like Britney was the "train wreak", but as our ever so informative media tells us, it seems the rest of the "family" is just as bad.
Now we find out the little sister of Britney who is 16 years old is pregnant.
Now, this is one time I am not going to blame the media for this fiasco, because the girl , Jamie Lynn and her family [Yea, that would be You, her Mother] and all her people, esp Nickelodeon should of kept their mouths shut on this.
Are we kidding here?? This girl has her own show on a Children's Network and is pregnant taking like an adult about how she is keeping the child , raising it on her own [yea, sure] and seems to have no idea of what faces her. I don't give a rats ass how much money someone has in this situation, look what her older sisters cash did for her. Nothing.
And this girl, and the people around her and even the media so far think this is OK?.
And a huge SHAME ON YOU to Nickelodeon, who is standing by her?
FIRE the girl! What are all these people thinking?
In no way, am I judging people and things, I believe that everyone has a right to do as they please in their own lives, but this girl is sixteen and it bothers me that no one sees a problem here, like this is some kind of good news ? Plus, I have never seen a bunch of people so fricken staved for attention?
And the media says, "oh this is good to open people's eyes to "safe sex" , give me a break! This was /is an issue that has been going on for years, please lets not give credit to the whack job Spears Family for this, what's next giving them the Nobel Prize?
I surely hope in the days and weeks to come that this situation is put into the right perspective and not taken as some kind of celebration.
First. it just seemed like Britney was the "train wreak", but as our ever so informative media tells us, it seems the rest of the "family" is just as bad.
Now we find out the little sister of Britney who is 16 years old is pregnant.
Now, this is one time I am not going to blame the media for this fiasco, because the girl , Jamie Lynn and her family [Yea, that would be You, her Mother] and all her people, esp Nickelodeon should of kept their mouths shut on this.
Are we kidding here?? This girl has her own show on a Children's Network and is pregnant taking like an adult about how she is keeping the child , raising it on her own [yea, sure] and seems to have no idea of what faces her. I don't give a rats ass how much money someone has in this situation, look what her older sisters cash did for her. Nothing.
And this girl, and the people around her and even the media so far think this is OK?.
And a huge SHAME ON YOU to Nickelodeon, who is standing by her?
FIRE the girl! What are all these people thinking?
In no way, am I judging people and things, I believe that everyone has a right to do as they please in their own lives, but this girl is sixteen and it bothers me that no one sees a problem here, like this is some kind of good news ? Plus, I have never seen a bunch of people so fricken staved for attention?
And the media says, "oh this is good to open people's eyes to "safe sex" , give me a break! This was /is an issue that has been going on for years, please lets not give credit to the whack job Spears Family for this, what's next giving them the Nobel Prize?
I surely hope in the days and weeks to come that this situation is put into the right perspective and not taken as some kind of celebration.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Psychic energy..is it there?...
What about signs? Not the ones on the streets and in towns. The ones that are supposed to mean something significant. You see signs talked about a lot in the media, and Hollywood has surely focused in on this. Most notability so in the 2002 movie "Signs" and the 1989 movie "Field of Dreams."
Lately, a lot of respectable media outlets are interviewing people who are "supposed" experts in this.
In psychodynamic psychology, psychic energy, or psychological energy, was believed to be a form of energy by which the work of the personality is performed.[1] The concept of mental energies moving or displacing between various adjoined, conscious and unconscious, mental systems was developed predominantly in Sigmund Freud's 1923 The Ego and the Id. In psychoanalytic theory the source of psychic energy was the id. Although this theory is now obsolete, it caused or contributed to an expectation that actual energy (such as electromagnetic vibrations) can emanate from people, and even ghosts, and that this energy is detectable by scientific sensory equipment (such as voltage and electromagnetic field detectors.)
-From Wikipedia
There was a time I really believed in "signs." I suppose all this may fall under the myths and legends, beliefs, even energy flow.
With the risk of not sounding like a complete kook or one of those "Miss Cleo" types who used to run those fake psychic networks, there is an aspect of this that does have an interest to me in the way we live our lives,
Are signs are really out there? and if they are, are we in tune enough to see them? Back in archives of this blog I posted about seeing a shooting star, which I thought was good luck. I also posted a picture of a grasshopper that fell on me out of nowhere. another sign of luck.
So far, I cannot attribute any those things bringing "good luck." I can however remember the day I moved and the last thing I saw while leaving my old home was a dead frog on its back. There was this overwhelming feeling of dread that came over me at the time, I was sure I couldn't escape the meaning of it no matter how hard I tried to shrug it off. And I was right, It turned out to be one of the worst days of my life. I tried to shake off that image and that it has nothing to do with anything, but there was no way, and the day went on to sink me into an abyss of events that were just horrible.
So maybe it goes back to not so much "signs" but "energy."
Is there really good and bad energy out there?
That I do believe, Have you ever be around someone or something and just feel like crap? I have. Same for the other side of it. Being around someone or something great and feeling that greatness, felt that as well.
I know for sure, since I have been around the negative people how I feel, but I have never been around someone that was considered great. For instance, Bill Gates, would I be any more successful if I got to spend an evening talking with him? Would My energy level go up? Changes are they would. Would signs change?
The topic now on most news shows are "star power" backing potential candidates. Note the word "power." What is it that makes people powerful? I got to thinking about a statement that Heather Mills, the soon to be former wife of Beatle Paul Mccartney said: "My husband is so powerful that all he has to do is step up and tell the media I am not a bad person,". Which I personally don't believe. Point is, she is right. Though I do feel that Paul Mccartney is not doing that for her because she doesn't deserve to be spoken about in such a way, Though had he, the women's life would change. Paris Hilton, another complete waste of time and film for that matter, shows that with enough money, can generate enough positive press about herself to make herself a "powerful" person. Are these people anymore happy or on a more positive energy flow? Do they in some way still look for signs in ways to show how their life is going?
You don't have to look far to read about things related to ones energy flow or lack there of. There are speakers, books, talisman, and of course crystals that supposedly knock out or knock in energy flows. For I while I was in this "saging" kick, and dropped that, like almost everything mentioned above. Some people swear by it and good for them I hope it works, I have not found any of those things to make a significant difference in my life.
I do without a doubt believe that there is negative and positive energies in the world and they have some effect on people and their individual personalities. "Ying-Yang"
The trick is how to move from one end of that to the other, and is there a "gray" area in there?
I am certainly not saying that everyone can be happy all the time, things happen, but I think people that move within the space of more positive energy handle these things better, I do believe that there are people that live negatively more than 90% of the time. and things only get worse. Could it be that the "signs" of good luck that come to negitive people would be more effective if they were more positive? Do we actually have the ability to "out-cancel" the things or people that we feel are bad?
I always liked the word "out-cancel", it was a word I came across years ago when I was researching Wicca for an art project. My understanding of the word is that if someone does something bad to you in some way, you can pick up on it and "out-cancel" their request so to speak.
Honestly, I am not talking about Magic here or spells, I am really talking about "words." I think Words are the most powerful things we have at our disposal. The use of words can literally destroy you or put you in a better place. One if the best pieces of advice I got was to shut my mouth.
Maya Angelo talks about how words just "hang in the air" and spoke about a dinner party she had where one if her guests begun to speak badly about another person and said "Not in this house you don't!"
How many times have you said something bad and wish you could just take it back, but you can;t because it is out there.
Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolutions. -Kahlil Gibran
Keeping my mouth closed is not an easy thing for me, especially since I like to talk a lot, maybe that is why I write. But I have found that my mouth has got me in a lot of trouble at times, and over the years I have learned you don't always need to express every thought in your head orally to a person, nine times out of ten they probably don't want to hear it anyway, and I could be vicious.
"The Ego" as Marianne Willimson put it "is suspicious at best, vicious at worst."
There are speakers and books out there constantly talking about if you change the way you think, it can change the way things happen within your life.
So, where do we start with shifting these thoughts? - again what Marianne Willimson refers to as "miracles" Do we begin in our own heads? Knock out all the bad thoughts we have about how we look, and our fears, what someone said about us that was mean? Wouldn't it be great to just be able to erase all those thoughts and feelings like a giant eraser? The ability to stop having them play over and over again in out own minds.
Last week, I was in a situation that spilled over into my boyfriends life, where it could have escalated into other peoples lives. I was upset over this for most of the day, couldn't sleep that night as it continued to the rest of the day, I decided to try and change my "thoughts" on this matter,being the skeptic that I am on this, I took all the thoughts that were running in my mind about this, and turned them around into how I hoped this situation would turn out, And what happened? It worked. This was and is an extremely difficult process for me, because I still have a hard time believing that whatever you think happens. But this DID work.
...to be continued.
“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.” -Kahlil Gibran
What about signs? Not the ones on the streets and in towns. The ones that are supposed to mean something significant. You see signs talked about a lot in the media, and Hollywood has surely focused in on this. Most notability so in the 2002 movie "Signs" and the 1989 movie "Field of Dreams."
Lately, a lot of respectable media outlets are interviewing people who are "supposed" experts in this.
In psychodynamic psychology, psychic energy, or psychological energy, was believed to be a form of energy by which the work of the personality is performed.[1] The concept of mental energies moving or displacing between various adjoined, conscious and unconscious, mental systems was developed predominantly in Sigmund Freud's 1923 The Ego and the Id. In psychoanalytic theory the source of psychic energy was the id. Although this theory is now obsolete, it caused or contributed to an expectation that actual energy (such as electromagnetic vibrations) can emanate from people, and even ghosts, and that this energy is detectable by scientific sensory equipment (such as voltage and electromagnetic field detectors.)
-From Wikipedia
There was a time I really believed in "signs." I suppose all this may fall under the myths and legends, beliefs, even energy flow.
With the risk of not sounding like a complete kook or one of those "Miss Cleo" types who used to run those fake psychic networks, there is an aspect of this that does have an interest to me in the way we live our lives,
Are signs are really out there? and if they are, are we in tune enough to see them? Back in archives of this blog I posted about seeing a shooting star, which I thought was good luck. I also posted a picture of a grasshopper that fell on me out of nowhere. another sign of luck.
So far, I cannot attribute any those things bringing "good luck." I can however remember the day I moved and the last thing I saw while leaving my old home was a dead frog on its back. There was this overwhelming feeling of dread that came over me at the time, I was sure I couldn't escape the meaning of it no matter how hard I tried to shrug it off. And I was right, It turned out to be one of the worst days of my life. I tried to shake off that image and that it has nothing to do with anything, but there was no way, and the day went on to sink me into an abyss of events that were just horrible.
So maybe it goes back to not so much "signs" but "energy."
Is there really good and bad energy out there?
That I do believe, Have you ever be around someone or something and just feel like crap? I have. Same for the other side of it. Being around someone or something great and feeling that greatness, felt that as well.
I know for sure, since I have been around the negative people how I feel, but I have never been around someone that was considered great. For instance, Bill Gates, would I be any more successful if I got to spend an evening talking with him? Would My energy level go up? Changes are they would. Would signs change?
The topic now on most news shows are "star power" backing potential candidates. Note the word "power." What is it that makes people powerful? I got to thinking about a statement that Heather Mills, the soon to be former wife of Beatle Paul Mccartney said: "My husband is so powerful that all he has to do is step up and tell the media I am not a bad person,". Which I personally don't believe. Point is, she is right. Though I do feel that Paul Mccartney is not doing that for her because she doesn't deserve to be spoken about in such a way, Though had he, the women's life would change. Paris Hilton, another complete waste of time and film for that matter, shows that with enough money, can generate enough positive press about herself to make herself a "powerful" person. Are these people anymore happy or on a more positive energy flow? Do they in some way still look for signs in ways to show how their life is going?
You don't have to look far to read about things related to ones energy flow or lack there of. There are speakers, books, talisman, and of course crystals that supposedly knock out or knock in energy flows. For I while I was in this "saging" kick, and dropped that, like almost everything mentioned above. Some people swear by it and good for them I hope it works, I have not found any of those things to make a significant difference in my life.
I do without a doubt believe that there is negative and positive energies in the world and they have some effect on people and their individual personalities. "Ying-Yang"
The trick is how to move from one end of that to the other, and is there a "gray" area in there?
I am certainly not saying that everyone can be happy all the time, things happen, but I think people that move within the space of more positive energy handle these things better, I do believe that there are people that live negatively more than 90% of the time. and things only get worse. Could it be that the "signs" of good luck that come to negitive people would be more effective if they were more positive? Do we actually have the ability to "out-cancel" the things or people that we feel are bad?
I always liked the word "out-cancel", it was a word I came across years ago when I was researching Wicca for an art project. My understanding of the word is that if someone does something bad to you in some way, you can pick up on it and "out-cancel" their request so to speak.
Honestly, I am not talking about Magic here or spells, I am really talking about "words." I think Words are the most powerful things we have at our disposal. The use of words can literally destroy you or put you in a better place. One if the best pieces of advice I got was to shut my mouth.
Maya Angelo talks about how words just "hang in the air" and spoke about a dinner party she had where one if her guests begun to speak badly about another person and said "Not in this house you don't!"
How many times have you said something bad and wish you could just take it back, but you can;t because it is out there.
Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolutions. -Kahlil Gibran
Keeping my mouth closed is not an easy thing for me, especially since I like to talk a lot, maybe that is why I write. But I have found that my mouth has got me in a lot of trouble at times, and over the years I have learned you don't always need to express every thought in your head orally to a person, nine times out of ten they probably don't want to hear it anyway, and I could be vicious.
"The Ego" as Marianne Willimson put it "is suspicious at best, vicious at worst."
There are speakers and books out there constantly talking about if you change the way you think, it can change the way things happen within your life.
So, where do we start with shifting these thoughts? - again what Marianne Willimson refers to as "miracles" Do we begin in our own heads? Knock out all the bad thoughts we have about how we look, and our fears, what someone said about us that was mean? Wouldn't it be great to just be able to erase all those thoughts and feelings like a giant eraser? The ability to stop having them play over and over again in out own minds.
Last week, I was in a situation that spilled over into my boyfriends life, where it could have escalated into other peoples lives. I was upset over this for most of the day, couldn't sleep that night as it continued to the rest of the day, I decided to try and change my "thoughts" on this matter,being the skeptic that I am on this, I took all the thoughts that were running in my mind about this, and turned them around into how I hoped this situation would turn out, And what happened? It worked. This was and is an extremely difficult process for me, because I still have a hard time believing that whatever you think happens. But this DID work.
...to be continued.
“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.” -Kahlil Gibran
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Friday, November 30, 2007
None...
I was just listening about people who talk about things they are grateful for, heard it many times about how they write it down or talk about it amongst family and so on.
So I thought about it, and wondered what I am grateful for, especially on a day that I am not feeling to great anyway about things. One of the points brought up was about letting go of the things that don't work for you anymore. I am not sure what isn't working for me, and the flip side of the coin on that is the ones that say to keep "persevering". That alone totally confuses me.
I know that I am grateful for my art by it still falls under the category of it possibly not working for me. I cannot bear to think of a day when I don't think about my art or do my art. But it just is not happening in the way I want it to.
It took me a long time to do this, to show my book to complete strangers. Usually it's always friends or family. In the last week or so I have been bringing my portfolio up to a few events. I get the usual comments, most of them right up there with some of the best artists.
I never thought about being "grateful" for that. And sometimes I get called to do some "favors" with my art for my friends. I never thought about that as something to be grateful for, maybe I am missing something here. I am sure I would be much more grateful if I made any money from my art. I have heard for years how good it is, but it doesn't make me anymore happy about not being paid.
So, the last event where I had my portfolio, a women was looking through it and flipped the pages in a rather flickering motion. She said "this is ugly" all of it, I just don't like it" My jaw dropped. After the fact that I wanted to kick her ass. And made it a point to let her know that she was rude and shot her dirty looks for the rest of the night, not letting her be reminded of how much she pissed me off. But as I think about it now, as I always do with things days later, I wonder what it is about these women's comments that got to me. After all, she was just about the first and only person to be honest, she surely didn't tell me all the things that I had heard over a zillion times before. Maybe, its the way she said it, It would have been nice to get some constructive criticism on my art. But besides all that, this women stands out from all the rest because she "hated" my art. And that's OK. Art is sometimes supposed to be disliked. I know many artists work that I cant stand. Salvador Dali is one of them. And the list goes on. I also don't much care for other artists as people, that's a given I think in this bizness anyway, we usually are like that, so critical of everything that they do because we do too. So, I am trying to get back to this "being grateful" entry. Ok, I am grateful for that women's comment because she stands out from everyone. Did she make me look at my art any differently. yes, for a few minutes, I wondered to myself if in fact my art was "ugly" ? I don't think it is. but it could be. I don't know really, except for her, no one has ever told me any different. Even on web sites where my art is displayed.
But is it missing that one thing that keep anyone from actually wanting to own it? I would give anything to know what that is if that were the reason. Maybe it is not a "thing" , perhaps it is a "person" that one person who really likes it and wants to own it.
That would be a person I would be grateful for.
I am pretty sure at this point this entry doesn't make much sense at this point, but it's been a while since I wrote.
And this being the last day of the month, I figured when In started this entry that I would do what I was "grateful" for , but I just cant get past that "I'm not feeling so grateful" Looking over a few of the past entries, I seem to have been on the same wavelength of dissatisfaction with things. I am not sure that is such a bad thing, except for all the negative crap flying around, I am well aware of how bad that all is and I can feel it.
So I thought about it, and wondered what I am grateful for, especially on a day that I am not feeling to great anyway about things. One of the points brought up was about letting go of the things that don't work for you anymore. I am not sure what isn't working for me, and the flip side of the coin on that is the ones that say to keep "persevering". That alone totally confuses me.
I know that I am grateful for my art by it still falls under the category of it possibly not working for me. I cannot bear to think of a day when I don't think about my art or do my art. But it just is not happening in the way I want it to.
It took me a long time to do this, to show my book to complete strangers. Usually it's always friends or family. In the last week or so I have been bringing my portfolio up to a few events. I get the usual comments, most of them right up there with some of the best artists.
I never thought about being "grateful" for that. And sometimes I get called to do some "favors" with my art for my friends. I never thought about that as something to be grateful for, maybe I am missing something here. I am sure I would be much more grateful if I made any money from my art. I have heard for years how good it is, but it doesn't make me anymore happy about not being paid.
So, the last event where I had my portfolio, a women was looking through it and flipped the pages in a rather flickering motion. She said "this is ugly" all of it, I just don't like it" My jaw dropped. After the fact that I wanted to kick her ass. And made it a point to let her know that she was rude and shot her dirty looks for the rest of the night, not letting her be reminded of how much she pissed me off. But as I think about it now, as I always do with things days later, I wonder what it is about these women's comments that got to me. After all, she was just about the first and only person to be honest, she surely didn't tell me all the things that I had heard over a zillion times before. Maybe, its the way she said it, It would have been nice to get some constructive criticism on my art. But besides all that, this women stands out from all the rest because she "hated" my art. And that's OK. Art is sometimes supposed to be disliked. I know many artists work that I cant stand. Salvador Dali is one of them. And the list goes on. I also don't much care for other artists as people, that's a given I think in this bizness anyway, we usually are like that, so critical of everything that they do because we do too. So, I am trying to get back to this "being grateful" entry. Ok, I am grateful for that women's comment because she stands out from everyone. Did she make me look at my art any differently. yes, for a few minutes, I wondered to myself if in fact my art was "ugly" ? I don't think it is. but it could be. I don't know really, except for her, no one has ever told me any different. Even on web sites where my art is displayed.
But is it missing that one thing that keep anyone from actually wanting to own it? I would give anything to know what that is if that were the reason. Maybe it is not a "thing" , perhaps it is a "person" that one person who really likes it and wants to own it.
That would be a person I would be grateful for.
I am pretty sure at this point this entry doesn't make much sense at this point, but it's been a while since I wrote.
And this being the last day of the month, I figured when In started this entry that I would do what I was "grateful" for , but I just cant get past that "I'm not feeling so grateful" Looking over a few of the past entries, I seem to have been on the same wavelength of dissatisfaction with things. I am not sure that is such a bad thing, except for all the negative crap flying around, I am well aware of how bad that all is and I can feel it.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Thanksgiving...Part 2
Can You not be Thankful on Thanksgiving?
I am really going to go out on a limb here and be not politically correct.
Besides the usual things, Home, Heath and Family, lets for a minute take all that away and then ask are we thankful for anything?
What I am thankful for right now, is that Thanksgiving is over.
After having a horrible Thanksgiving Day, that spilled into today, I don't feel much into the "Thanks" mood. Honestly, I despise that this time of year pushes us into feeling a certain way. Be Thankful. Be Joyous, Be giving, Give in the spirit of the season. Well I don't feel that way. And there is that part of me that is upset that I do feel that way.
Its kind of a drag when you "plan" things and they don't turn out. Seems to screw everything else up.
The second part to the last blog entry was a planned surprise party tonight, which had me thinking all day yesterday if I should tell my boyfriend about it. After the fiasco with the motorcycle. I kept thinking about the "intent" and more or less, the consequences of this had he got upset again. So I told him.
"No ,no no! " , which of course was what I suspected he was going to say. So this morning. made some calls and canceled the party. Thus . pretty much ruining my day, as I was looking forward to planning this little party.
So, does the intent switch? or is it still on me for not seeing this sooner before I planned this party? Is there any responsibly of the giver to step outside himself and be a good sport?
No.
Because he wont, not because he is a jerk. But because that's just the way he is. Selfish , yes.
I tried to think of times when I was put into positions of surprise and how I felt. I couldn't really think of any because I only had one surprise party and that was blown by someone who thought I knew, So I wasn't to surprised anymore. but I thought about how I would feel if I never found out that night. Thinking back to the place where it was, I was in high school, and when in high school, usually everyone shows up, so there were at least 70 people there. Had I walked into that room without knowing, I think I would have turned around and ran the right out the door. I am not sure if people really like to be surprised. Yea, a check for 20 grand is a nice surprise, but I am talking more about the party gig.
Ever see those big public marriage proposals on TV or at some sports event and the bride to be always has some look of hesitation on her face no matter how much she loves the guy?
My mother shared with me a story last night that completely blew me away, because I had no idea. She once planned one of the best surprise birthday parties for my father, invited the whole town, the house looked amazing, and when he walked in, everyone yelled "Surprise!", he looked happy , and did the whole party thing, I thought, I'm sure like the rest of the guests "what a great party". My mother went on to tell me that My father never forgave her for that, and to never do that to him again. That was the deciding factor in me telling my boyfriend of his party, I didn't want to risk him resenting me for something I already had a feeling he was going to hate, and after telling him, I saw the effect before the "cause".
I have to admit that I am somewhat miffed today about how all this went down. I mean I did have a whole day planned of planning and I thought about the others who were involved who may have been disappointed, but that didn't bother me so much because I knew, honestly they could take these things or leave them. That's just the kind of people we are around and that's fine.
So, I wonder what it is about the element of surprise that bothers some people. Is it the awkwardness? All the attention that is being placed on that particular person? There is a part of me that wonders where the fear or insecurity comes from? how easy it is for us to place that upon another person when we put them in a position of surprise and they have to deal with those fears.
Am I mad?
No, I was .
Disappointed?
Somewhat, but I'll get over it.
I am really going to go out on a limb here and be not politically correct.
Besides the usual things, Home, Heath and Family, lets for a minute take all that away and then ask are we thankful for anything?
What I am thankful for right now, is that Thanksgiving is over.
After having a horrible Thanksgiving Day, that spilled into today, I don't feel much into the "Thanks" mood. Honestly, I despise that this time of year pushes us into feeling a certain way. Be Thankful. Be Joyous, Be giving, Give in the spirit of the season. Well I don't feel that way. And there is that part of me that is upset that I do feel that way.
Its kind of a drag when you "plan" things and they don't turn out. Seems to screw everything else up.
The second part to the last blog entry was a planned surprise party tonight, which had me thinking all day yesterday if I should tell my boyfriend about it. After the fiasco with the motorcycle. I kept thinking about the "intent" and more or less, the consequences of this had he got upset again. So I told him.
"No ,no no! " , which of course was what I suspected he was going to say. So this morning. made some calls and canceled the party. Thus . pretty much ruining my day, as I was looking forward to planning this little party.
So, does the intent switch? or is it still on me for not seeing this sooner before I planned this party? Is there any responsibly of the giver to step outside himself and be a good sport?
No.
Because he wont, not because he is a jerk. But because that's just the way he is. Selfish , yes.
I tried to think of times when I was put into positions of surprise and how I felt. I couldn't really think of any because I only had one surprise party and that was blown by someone who thought I knew, So I wasn't to surprised anymore. but I thought about how I would feel if I never found out that night. Thinking back to the place where it was, I was in high school, and when in high school, usually everyone shows up, so there were at least 70 people there. Had I walked into that room without knowing, I think I would have turned around and ran the right out the door. I am not sure if people really like to be surprised. Yea, a check for 20 grand is a nice surprise, but I am talking more about the party gig.
Ever see those big public marriage proposals on TV or at some sports event and the bride to be always has some look of hesitation on her face no matter how much she loves the guy?
My mother shared with me a story last night that completely blew me away, because I had no idea. She once planned one of the best surprise birthday parties for my father, invited the whole town, the house looked amazing, and when he walked in, everyone yelled "Surprise!", he looked happy , and did the whole party thing, I thought, I'm sure like the rest of the guests "what a great party". My mother went on to tell me that My father never forgave her for that, and to never do that to him again. That was the deciding factor in me telling my boyfriend of his party, I didn't want to risk him resenting me for something I already had a feeling he was going to hate, and after telling him, I saw the effect before the "cause".
I have to admit that I am somewhat miffed today about how all this went down. I mean I did have a whole day planned of planning and I thought about the others who were involved who may have been disappointed, but that didn't bother me so much because I knew, honestly they could take these things or leave them. That's just the kind of people we are around and that's fine.
So, I wonder what it is about the element of surprise that bothers some people. Is it the awkwardness? All the attention that is being placed on that particular person? There is a part of me that wonders where the fear or insecurity comes from? how easy it is for us to place that upon another person when we put them in a position of surprise and they have to deal with those fears.
Am I mad?
No, I was .
Disappointed?
Somewhat, but I'll get over it.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Thanks & Intent
There is a difference of giving for yourself and really giving to another person. Going through life, this is one of the things that I have found and also be one if the hardest things to figure out. And this is a very fine line.
When something is given, if it is the thought that really matters then how much time do we really think about the thought. I am not sure if it is some kind of learning lesson, maybe it is because it always seems to become clearer after the fact.
How many times have we given things that are given to make us all look better? Are the gifts we choose for another more about what the receiver will think of us? what the people around them will think?
I thought this once when I heard a friends wife bought her husband a brand new Harley Davidson, I thought more about what "she" did than the actual gift of the bike. Do some gifts that are over the top make the giver look bad, even if it was given in the best intentions? I think I am one of those people, who like to give for the purposes of how I am seen . Sadly and as difficult as it is to admit, its the truth, and makes me wonder how to correct this.
I believe that we all start out with the thought, what would this person like? and from there, at least for me , I somehow shift into what can I do so I am noticed for the gift I have given. That's really bad, I know. I guess a lot has to do with "intention" which sums it up best in the dictionary. a : what one intends to do or bring about.
This could be a good thing, IF the intent is done with honesty. But it takes a lot to really dig deep in there and make sure that the honestly is there.
The second part of the definition reads: a concept considered as the product of attention directed to an object of knowledge , the operative word there being "attention". In my case, it is the attention. I cannot believe that I am so in need for attention, that I do this when it comes to gifts. I really do begin with the best "intention" , I think about what the receiver of the gift would like, but then I go beyond that into myself and think "wasn't that a cool thing that she did". I have run into this problem a lot of times.
There was one year at Christmas that I had just gotten married and my then husband and I spent an obnoxious amount on gifts for everyone, to the point where everyone else was uncomfortable. It felt more like we were "bragging" than giving gifts. I suspect that at the time I was. I wanted people to see we were doing well. That surely is not the spirit of giving especially during the holiday season.
So, what has sparked this? today on Thanksgiving of all days. It was my boyfriends birthday, and of course, wanted to get him a gift.
Again the intent was there, but it soon turned around to what seems like never ending quest to make something of my art. I thought I would have his motorcycle painted for him with one of My designs on it. thus incorporating myself back into the gift. Carnal rule number 1. Never mess with your man's motorcycle, or probably anyone's for that matter, and I knew this. I swear by anything I feel is holy , I know this , I even knew it better when I was in the garage trying to get the bike to where it needed to go, it just didn't feel right to me, I could feel it then, and it was so clear that there could of been a neon sign over me, saying "this just isn't right" and yet I went ahead with it anyway, because I kept thinking of the great design I had spent hours on that was going to go on the bike.
So, once again became about "me". And my boyfriend had told me numerous times "I don't want anything" , we all hear that and think they don't mean it, but some people do. and the last thing he wanted was for me to be screwing around with the one thing he loves more than life itself.
Earlier that night he saw a tool bag that I use for my art and said, "that's what I could really use". I ignored that request and was set on continuing with my little plan. Thus, bringing the plan to "cause and effect" which the effect almost turned disastrous.
My boyfriend thought the bike was stolen and freaked, began to set a whole chain of events in motion from police reports to calling off Thanksgiving dinner and so on. It wasn't until I got back home in time to explain it. He was then ok with it, though I knew he was still a bit rattled that I messed with his bike, but I was the one in the bad mood. I was mad as hell as him, and I was wrong to be. Simply because it wasn't about what he wanted, it was about loosing my chance for "look what I did for him". That is the kicker that will kick your own ass every time, and make no mistake about it, it will.
I think what it comes down to is "listening". Listening when someone says something about what "they" really want. Nine times out of ten, they usually are telling the truth.
Again from the dictionary : implies something tangible and immediately attainable . For me, this holds true as I want things now. And when an occasion arises such as gift giving this is the when My mind goes into overdrive "I can get the attention now" because I am a very, very impatient person.
So, after a bit of sulking, I sat and thought for a while, I thought about this whole thing and how wrong I felt about it from the very beginning, and realized that it was just wrong from the start and apologized to my boyfriend. I made him feel bad because I knew I wasn't going to get that attention after the final product was finished.
Even now as I write this, I am wondering "what was I thinking?"
I know exactly what I was thinking.
I was thinking about me. Yea, I wanted him to have a good gift, but the tool holder he liked would have been just enough and that had nothing to do with me or my art, it was "neutral" and would make his job a bit easier. I wish I saw that then, and yet I am glad I didn't.
My boyfriend may be a lot of things in some respect, but he does one thing really well. He teaches me things, He makes me grow, and he's straight up. I honestly don't think that there is much more one can be thankful for when it comes to things like that because lessons learned have nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me in the true spirit in which it they are "intended".the fact that there was not "intent" just meaning.
With the holidays here, I hope , especially for me that I can take myself out of the receivers gift and give with the same intent that I have learned from my better half.
When something is given, if it is the thought that really matters then how much time do we really think about the thought. I am not sure if it is some kind of learning lesson, maybe it is because it always seems to become clearer after the fact.
How many times have we given things that are given to make us all look better? Are the gifts we choose for another more about what the receiver will think of us? what the people around them will think?
I thought this once when I heard a friends wife bought her husband a brand new Harley Davidson, I thought more about what "she" did than the actual gift of the bike. Do some gifts that are over the top make the giver look bad, even if it was given in the best intentions? I think I am one of those people, who like to give for the purposes of how I am seen . Sadly and as difficult as it is to admit, its the truth, and makes me wonder how to correct this.
I believe that we all start out with the thought, what would this person like? and from there, at least for me , I somehow shift into what can I do so I am noticed for the gift I have given. That's really bad, I know. I guess a lot has to do with "intention" which sums it up best in the dictionary. a : what one intends to do or bring about.
This could be a good thing, IF the intent is done with honesty. But it takes a lot to really dig deep in there and make sure that the honestly is there.
The second part of the definition reads: a concept considered as the product of attention directed to an object of knowledge , the operative word there being "attention". In my case, it is the attention. I cannot believe that I am so in need for attention, that I do this when it comes to gifts. I really do begin with the best "intention" , I think about what the receiver of the gift would like, but then I go beyond that into myself and think "wasn't that a cool thing that she did". I have run into this problem a lot of times.
There was one year at Christmas that I had just gotten married and my then husband and I spent an obnoxious amount on gifts for everyone, to the point where everyone else was uncomfortable. It felt more like we were "bragging" than giving gifts. I suspect that at the time I was. I wanted people to see we were doing well. That surely is not the spirit of giving especially during the holiday season.
So, what has sparked this? today on Thanksgiving of all days. It was my boyfriends birthday, and of course, wanted to get him a gift.
Again the intent was there, but it soon turned around to what seems like never ending quest to make something of my art. I thought I would have his motorcycle painted for him with one of My designs on it. thus incorporating myself back into the gift. Carnal rule number 1. Never mess with your man's motorcycle, or probably anyone's for that matter, and I knew this. I swear by anything I feel is holy , I know this , I even knew it better when I was in the garage trying to get the bike to where it needed to go, it just didn't feel right to me, I could feel it then, and it was so clear that there could of been a neon sign over me, saying "this just isn't right" and yet I went ahead with it anyway, because I kept thinking of the great design I had spent hours on that was going to go on the bike.
So, once again became about "me". And my boyfriend had told me numerous times "I don't want anything" , we all hear that and think they don't mean it, but some people do. and the last thing he wanted was for me to be screwing around with the one thing he loves more than life itself.
Earlier that night he saw a tool bag that I use for my art and said, "that's what I could really use". I ignored that request and was set on continuing with my little plan. Thus, bringing the plan to "cause and effect" which the effect almost turned disastrous.
My boyfriend thought the bike was stolen and freaked, began to set a whole chain of events in motion from police reports to calling off Thanksgiving dinner and so on. It wasn't until I got back home in time to explain it. He was then ok with it, though I knew he was still a bit rattled that I messed with his bike, but I was the one in the bad mood. I was mad as hell as him, and I was wrong to be. Simply because it wasn't about what he wanted, it was about loosing my chance for "look what I did for him". That is the kicker that will kick your own ass every time, and make no mistake about it, it will.
I think what it comes down to is "listening". Listening when someone says something about what "they" really want. Nine times out of ten, they usually are telling the truth.
Again from the dictionary : implies something tangible and immediately attainable . For me, this holds true as I want things now. And when an occasion arises such as gift giving this is the when My mind goes into overdrive "I can get the attention now" because I am a very, very impatient person.
So, after a bit of sulking, I sat and thought for a while, I thought about this whole thing and how wrong I felt about it from the very beginning, and realized that it was just wrong from the start and apologized to my boyfriend. I made him feel bad because I knew I wasn't going to get that attention after the final product was finished.
Even now as I write this, I am wondering "what was I thinking?"
I know exactly what I was thinking.
I was thinking about me. Yea, I wanted him to have a good gift, but the tool holder he liked would have been just enough and that had nothing to do with me or my art, it was "neutral" and would make his job a bit easier. I wish I saw that then, and yet I am glad I didn't.
My boyfriend may be a lot of things in some respect, but he does one thing really well. He teaches me things, He makes me grow, and he's straight up. I honestly don't think that there is much more one can be thankful for when it comes to things like that because lessons learned have nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me in the true spirit in which it they are "intended".the fact that there was not "intent" just meaning.
With the holidays here, I hope , especially for me that I can take myself out of the receivers gift and give with the same intent that I have learned from my better half.
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